HELP! All I see are $ signs and babies...

OK, so we had our financial meeting with Dr. A's office yesterday.  The costs were pretty much what I was expecting - approximately $15,000.00 a cycle for IVF.  So, right now I am trying to decide whether or not to buy one cycle up front or two for a better cost.  There is only a $1200.00 savings by buying two but we would have to fork over another $5000.00 to get the $1200.00 savings??????  I think we would rather just buy one and think positive than buy two and risk losing $5000.00 which could be spent on the baby (hopefully).  J has been in touch with our financial person and if all goes well we will be able to start our meds in February and have our transfer in March!  WOO HOO!  I am so excited.  It's finally coming to fruition.  I hope we are able to get our money in order fast so we can sign up for the March cycle, they say it's filling up fast!

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE (+): The ten best things to happen to me 2000-2010!

10.  Jan. 2000 - Studying abroad in Spain for a Semester

9.  Fabulous vacations and trips to Spain (including Barcelona, Sevilla, Mallorca, Canary Islands, Toledo) London, Ireland, Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, Curacao, Aruba, St. Marteen, St. Thomas, New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Lake Tahoe, Mexico and Hawaii, and Florida - I have to mention Florida because I have been there at least ten times in ten years!

8.  June 2009 - My niece Peyton was born.

7.  April 20, 2007 - I got engaged!  Jamie proposed to me on a trip to Chicago for the Cardinals / Cubs series.  It was a magical weekend at the W hotel.  He put so much thought into that weekend...upgraded our room to a lake overview in a spectacular suite, dinner the night he proposed at Gibsons (yummo!) in room massages the morning after he proposed, three baseball games and friends were there as well!  I will never forget it.

6.  July 2008 - Jamie had Gastric Bypass and has successfully lost over 180 pounds.  So happy for him. 

5.  May 2006 - Graduated with a BA degree in Interior Design from Maryville University

4.  February 2006 - Landed a great job at my current employer as an Interior Designer - my favorite job was the Hurricane Katrina recovery project which included 25 buildings and lasted 2 years.

3.  We moved three times!  We have been fortunate enough to make three great investments in three great houses over the last 9 years.  Our first house was bought out which was a great opportunity for us and we fixed up our second house and sold it in May.  Our newest house is quite a project but it will be amazing when it's done.

2.  December 6, 2008 - Jamie and I and 40 guests had an unbelievable weekend in Puerto Morelos, Mexico where we had a symbolic ceremony for friends and family.

1.  November 25, 2008 - Jamie and I got legally married on the beach in Marco Island Florida with his Grandmother as our witness.  He is my everything, this is by far the best thing to happen to me in the last 32 years.


Looking forward to the next ten years!

This week - 12-28-2009

I emailed a few times with my Nurse at Dr. A's office this morning.  J and I  have decided to skip the laproscopy as we would have to pay a large portion of it ourselves since we haven't met our deductible yet.  That very same money could go toward the IVF costs which is almost certain to be the route we will take to get pregnant. 

Something else interesting was said in my email with the Nurse...she called in a prescription of provera to start my cycle since it's been almost two months and she said to call her on day one of my cycle and she would schedule my blood work as well as Jamie's and that we just might be on the IVF schedule for FEBRUARY OR MARCH!!!!!! 

Jamie and I have our financial meeting at Dr. A's office Wednesday.  It's a lot of money to scrape together and give them up front.  I am hoping that we can figure this out quickly so we can get on a list for a cycle ASAP!  With the start of a new cycle approaching quickly and our financial meeting scheduled this could be a perfect start.

Live in the moment...

I hope that we are each able to put aside those things that may be bothering or hurting us this week and enjoy the holidays.  Get lost in the moment, enjoy what you have and more importantly who you have in your life right now.  We are all blessed in many ways.  If there is a week to count your blessings, it's this week.   Merry Christmas!

Decision Time

Well, it's time to really start looking at the data and statistics on the Reproductive Doctors around St. Louis and make a final decision.  We interviewed with three and we like Dr. A.  I have never had a male OB before so I was a little hesitant.  Dr. A was unique to me because he gave me his email and phone number after the first meeting and even emailed me a couple of reports on causes of infertility.  I have the emails of all of his nurses and financial people as well since he cc'd them on all of the emails he sent to me.  I have had quick responses with questions as well I have emailed the office with as well. 

Anyway, that's it for now.  I just wanted to confirm that I have settled on a Dr. and am waiting for January so we can get things started.

: )

Back in the Saddle Again

So, vacation was amazing.  Best week of my life, I can say that easily.  We did everything and more than we dreamed.  The food was expensive and delicious and I  have to share a triple berry pie recipe from the Lahaina Grill.  This pie, the Triple Berry Pie is $13 a slice and we ate dessert here three nights.  We only had dinner at Lahaina Grill one night, the other two nights we drove across town after eating elsewhere to have this pie for dessert! This pie is freaking amazing and served COLD-like you are eating it straight out of the fridge! 


Anyway, we did many great things, we drove the 54 mile drive to Hana, which is cliff side along the coastline, stopping to admire waterfalls and lava beaches, we snorkeled at an uninhabited crater island and even woke up at 2am one morning to drive three hours to the top of a volcano to watch the sunrise at 10,000 feet above elevation!  We saw the sunrise from above the clouds.  REALLY AMAZING!  Many great drinks too.  Did I mention I snorkeled in front of our hotel and a sea turtle swam two feet from my left shoulder????  Just came towards J and I and it was so beautiful and peaceful. 

We flew home Sunday night but before I left I went and floated along the shore at our hotel.  I felt very at peace drifting in the waves.  I laid in the water and had a talk with God.  I am not overly religious, in fact I haven't been to Church in many many years but I talk to him now and again.  I laid in the water and tried to come up with something to say, I tried to have a conversation but all I could say over and over was "Please God, let me have a baby."  I looked at the sky and just kept repeating it.   

So, we are moving forward.  Got the new insurance cards in the mail while we were away so I called Blue Cross this morning to ask how much of my Laproscopy they would cover, they said 90%.  It looks like we just have to schedule the blood work and lap procedure for January along with Jamie's tests and we should get some results back and know what to do from there.  It sounds so easy right?  I think that starting all of this in January will let us enjoy the holidays a little more although it will definitely be on our minds. 

Vacation

It's been a while since I was really excited about something.  I leave tomorrow for vacation...I am REALLY excited.  They will have to peel me off the beach.  I've never been to Maui but I can say I am a fan of any place with a beach so I anticipate it being like heaven. I plan on coming back tan, relaxed and ready for making babies!

Here's what I have planned to do...

Grab a drink and sit on the beach.  Okay, I rarely drink but this looks quite good.  I don't remember the last time I had a mixed drink.

In room massages for two please...

A romantic dinner with my hubby for our 1st year anniversary...

A little reading...

Fishing...sometimes a girls got to do things that make her hubby happy...

More drinks...

Hopefully I won't get this bad...

A little whale watching!  So excited for this!

Snuba diving.  Yes...SNUBA, as in combo snorkel and scuba!

More reading...

And drinking?  My husband doesn't drink for the record...

Snorkeling anyone?

Yes please!  Gosh, I love a good nappy.

Hey, how did this lady get back in the line up?  :)

Drive the road to Hana?

Stop and admire a waterfall or two?

And Repeat...

This lady with the drink is stalking me...

Say...what type of drink do you suppose that is????  A Mai Tai perhaps?  I will investigate.  *grin*

Well, that about covers it.  I will catch up with you ladies the week of the 14th! 

Back in the Baby Making Game!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!   It's Thanksgiving week and first off I want to say I do have a lot to be thankful for even with my family and infertility situation.  I am thankful for my husband for being my best buddy, his mother for stepping in while my mom is, ummm...on sabbatical...i am thankful for my brother, his wife and their new baby, Peyton.  I am thankful for my beautiful new home and the wherewith all to renovate it and make it "ours".  I am blessed to have a job and even more blessed that my hubby is a month into his new job, one that he loves and I feel will offer him many wonderful opportunities.  I am thankful for my dog, Wilson and I am thankful for every person that has come across my blog, posted and even those who lurk but don't post.  :)  Last but not least I am thankful for my trip to Maui Dec 5-14
We need a vacay. 
December is the month we have been waiting for.  We finally have health insurance through Jamie's new job beginning Dec. 1st.  I contacted our Reproductive Doctor and I am eager to get started once we return from vacation.  Dr. A wants to see if he can figure out what the problem is instead of just recommending IVF like my other two RE's.  I emailed the Doctor this morning and here is the course of action for the weeks after we return...


1.  Start Provera if AF hasn't visited, once AF visits...

2.  Blood work :(

3.  AFC (Antral Follicle Count) 
What Are Antral Follicles?

Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that can be seen - and measured and counted - with ultrasound.

4.  FUS (Fluid ultrasound) involves saline injection into the endometrial cavity and simultaneous transvaginal sonography to visualize the endometrial cavity. This test provides information about the pathological lesions in endometrial cavity (i.e. myomas, polyps, adhesions, and congenital anomalies) as well as limited information on tubal patency.

5.  Laparoscopy surgery - Laparoscopy is direct visualization of the peritoneal cavity, ovaries, outside of the tubes and uterus by using a laparoscopy. The laparoscopy is an instrument somewhat like a miniature telescope with a fiber optic system which brings light into the abdomen. It is about as big around as a fountain pen and twice as long.  Carbon dioxide (CO2) is put into the abdomen through a special needle that is inserted just below the navel. This gas helps to separate the organs inside the abdominal cavity, making it easier for the physician to see the reproductive organs during laparoscopy. The gas is removed at the end of the procedure.

6.  Jamie needs to schedule the MSA and SCSA (These test the male fertility, he had a Sperm Analysis a few months ago and was above average but Dr. A thinks they need to check DNA Fragmentation)  Jamie is thrilled...I'm sure!


Okay, so I am so happy to have a plan.  I am hoping insurance will cover all of these things.  Fingers crossed.  x x

Speak of the Devil...

she showed up this Saturday.

Dear Aunt Flo...you suck.

It's been 46 days, care to visit?  You seem to forget our quality time together each month. 


Most girls would think they were pregnant if their Aunt Flo didn't show her face by now.  Not me.  Sure would like a provera prescription right about now to convince my dear Aunty Flo to visit...in between insurance though.  My luck, she will show her face in another 30 days while I am in Hawaii.

Content

I was just sitting at work thinking about my husband and how I miss him.  I was recalling a conversation I had with him about a fellow infertile blogger's recent post.  I told him about how she gave into a couple of glasses of wine one night and started talking with her husband about how maybe all of this having a baby stuff is for the birds and what they should really be doing is saving for an early retirement, moving into a smaller house fit for just the two of them and planning on traveling the world after their early retirement.  As I told J about this post he kind of nodded his head like, well, they have a good point, nodding as if maybe we should consider the same, like it was sound advice.  The end of the blog story went on to say about how she sobered up the next day and voila she was right back to trying for a baby. 

I've thought about this post a few times since reading it last week and it occured to me a few minutes ago while thinking of my husband...I am content.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to have children.  But, if the future held early retirement for me and traveling the world with J, I would be okay with that. 

I am in a happy place in life right now.  Sure I have my sad moments/days (like my last post) but other than infertility I am fortunate.  I have a great job, I am loving being an Interior Designer.  I love my projects.  It's little paperwork and mostly designing.  I had doubts of whether or not I would like being an Interior Designer after college, but it's growing on me.  I love our new house, I love having countless projects ahead of us that will create our idea of a perfect home.  I love my husband and I realize now that he is out of town going on four days with two more weeks left to travel...that I will be okay as long as I have him.  Since he has left town it's not a baby I am missing but J, my world.  I can safely say that after 8 years I still race home after work to be with him.  Look foward to my weekends to spend time with him and long to be with him when he is gone. 

After I found out I would most likely have fertility problems back in January of this year Jamie had a card waiting for me on the counter at home...It had a cat on the front of the card with it's arm in a gauze sling and a gauze bandage on it's head and it read "If this situation has you thinking four-letter words...here are some you may want to add to the list-HOPE and HUGS."  His message read on the inside:  "A, Keep your chin up.  Whatever the future holds, we will face it together, always remember that I love you.  Love J"  There are many things I hope to achieve in life but marrying J was my biggest achievment yet...whatever the outcome is for us, whatever life holds, I know I will be okay.

Blahhhh...

So, we moved into the house on Friday and Jamie left yesterday for the first of three consecutive weeks of training in other states.  I hate it when he leaves.  I dread it. I find it so lonely that I go to bed early and drag myself out of bed.  Last night I went to bed at 7:00.  I watched TV until 9:00 and went to sleep.   My alarm went off at 6:00 this morning and it was Wilson that woke me up after I snoozed for 20 minutes.  He stands on my side of the bed and snorts in my ear.  The picture to the left is a pic I took of Wilson last night on the bed to send to Jamie.  I know, he shouldn't be on the bed, but how do you say no to that face?

So, it's very lonely at the house.  These are the times I hate being alone because my mind wanders.  We went to First Watch for breakfast yesterday morning which is baby and "cute-pregnant lady" central.  I won't be going back there anytime soon.  It hurts my heart just seeing a pregnant lady and I saw three.  The happy and proud husband kills me too as I sit with my husband that looks on with envy.  It's sad.  I think, "will this EVER be our fate"?  I just wish I knew.  I sat in the corner of the restaurant facing the restaurant and J sat facing myself and the wall.  I've realized that I sit there and hope he doesn't see the baby or pregnant women because I don't want his heart to feel what mine feels.  I often wonder if he even notices but after leaving yesterday and seeing a fourth pregnant woman outside, I said something like "Geez, pregnant ladies everywhere" and he acknowledged he felt the same.  It makes me sad when I realize he notices these things too.  I want to carry all of the pain on my own shoulders since it's me that put us in this situation to begin with. 

Anyway, J left for the airport a few hours later and the silence in the house is the perfect recipe for letting my mind wander and think about my infertility.  I think it would be better if we were trying but how can we with J out of town and our insurance in limbo with his job transition.  I don't know, I just feel really down and depressed with out him here.  It's the lowest I have felt in a while and this is day one of three weeks alone. 

Jamie's last day, a new job, a new house and three weeks to myself...

After 8 years at his previous employer Jamie has decided to take a new job.  I am very happy for Jamie.  I keep telling him how proud I am of him and that he can do anything.  I have called Nordstrom to get him a nice Faconnable shirt   I think he will like it. He loves blue.  I swear 90% of his closet is blue!  I plan on giving it to him tomorrow night - his last day at work and the night before we move into our new home.  This is quite a week for us.  I am so happy for him.  He is so smart and the most important thing in my life and it means the world to me that he is happy.

I am dreading the next three weeks as Jamie will be traveling all three weeks for training, but coming home on the weekends.  My friends are all out of state and I hate being alone.  I am worried about feeling really alone in a new big house and just feeling overwhelmed at the boxes that will be surrounding me.  There is one good thing...since we aren't actively TTC J being out of town won't be an issue.  A couple of months ago we were trying and I was in New Orleans.  We actually contemplated flying J down to New Orleans for a night or two!  :)

Dr. Ahlering

Well, Jamie and I met with Dr. Ahlering yesterday.  So far of the three RE's we have met with he is my favorite. 

All of the tests I have had so far include blood work and an HSG (xray where they insert contrast dye into your uterus so that an xray can be taken of the dye spilling through your ovaries which shows if your tubes are open or not).The results of the HSG came back saying that I have slight tubal damage and one of my tubes is dilated but nothing further has been done to look into this.  I know there are a few more tests that could be run and haven't been and that leaves me quite confused.  How can we take such a drastic step as IVF when we don't have all of the answers?  First, I still want to know what inside of me isn't working like it should.

Dr. Keller said she would like to do a laproscopy and look at my tubes and ovaries, etc. to rule out or find problems but it was an elective surgery.  How can a surgery that could give further explanation of a medical problem be elective?  I really struggled with this.  Dr. Ahlering agreed with me.  He said why do an HSG to find out if your tubes are okay if you aren't going to look further into the problem once you find it?  AMEN!  This man is speaking my language.  He wanted to run some more tests.  Thank goodness I thought.  Finally someone who wants to do the leg work and try and find more answers for us rather than throwing IVF at us.  And for the record, Dr. Ahlering mostly agreed with Dr. Silber in saying that Metformin will only help those that have Insulin Resistance increase their odds at having a baby.  So I am staying off of it.

Now, this is the difficult part...we have seen three Doctor's.  I really favor Dr. Ahlering.  But there is only two outcomes to the testing he will do-if he finds problems we do IVF or if he doesn't see any problems with further testing it's IUI.  Jamie and I can take all of the tests, bloodwork, etc and find out more answers-but in the end there are still only two possibilities for us when it comes to having a child- IVF or IUI.  As Jamie pointed out, when there are only two possible outcomes and you know the odds of the IVF are double of the IUI-does the further testing really matter?  Wow, I guess not. 

We will probably do some more blood work and Jamie will do a DNA Fragmentation test but beyond that I doubt we will do the laproscopy.  Right now, we are in a sticky situation.  Jamie is changing jobs in a week so our insurance will be in limbo.  We have to see what his new insurance covers and part of our decision may be based on insurance-if they will cover most of an IUI ($2500.00 a cycle) maybe it's worth trying for a cycle or two.  If not then it's probably going to be a better choice to go with the IVF (approximately $13000.00 to $15000.00) a cycle.  If insurance won't cover any of it, it will come down to cost but I am rooting for Dr. A.

We have a lot of little duckies to line up before we can take the next step.  All I know is that every time I leave one of those appointments it's all I can think about for the next few days.  I guess the focus in the short term is moving in to our new home on Friday.  A lot to do still and still proving to be a great distraction as always.

Can you say STRRRRESSSSSSS?

So, I am stressed. J is more stressed than I. We, together equal one ball of stress. It's a good thing we have put TTC on the back burner for a month or two because I don't think we could handle that too.

I have hardly seen J this week. We bought a new home and it is...shall we say... uninhabitable while we are renovating. We couldn't live there if we wanted to. There is no carpet, a torn up sun room, walls being removed and added, new windows and doors being installed as well as siding. Our home is in shambles.  So, yes, we got ourselves into this, I realize that.   All of our belongings are in storage. When we moved out of our old home in June and hadn't found a house we tried to keep anything and everything we may need out of storage. I had no idea we would still not have a home by the time the fall rolled around so ALL of my fall/winter clothes and shoes are in a storage crate in the middle of a large warehouse somewhere in Missouri! It's hard to look appropriate for work everyday when you have short sleeve tops, and sandals to choose from and it's in the 50's! It's cold out there. I realized this this morning while walking our dog in the 50 degree weather with rain pouring down. BURRRRRR.

So, here's the rest of it...J has a job, a great one, he also is a Real Estate Agent on the side for friends/family and has one house under contract, he is in class all this week instead of work to get his brokers license but still taking on the responsibilities at work while he is in class. He was also asked to interview for a new job out of the blue this week and has accepted the offer.  So he is changing jobs.  (OMG)  Jamie is also playing the role of project manager for our home construction since his office is very close to our new home and I work downtown (30 mins away). On the weekends we spend every minute we can working on the home ourselves. We tear out carpet, flooring, wallpaper, and paint walls...you name it we do it. We do enjoy seeing the transformation and God only knows the house needed our help!

We can't wait to get into our new home with a yard and spread out. In the mean time I guess we will just keep doing what we are doing...trying to be supportive to one another, communicating by text, email and phone rather than face to face and making the most of our time together, what little we have, that is.

On a positive note: We will be in Hawaii for our one year anniversary in exactly two months! *grin*

Our Meeting with Dr. Silber

So we went to meet with our second RE, Dr. Silber yesterday. I was and still am a little shocked with what he told us during our meeting. After introductions he reviewed my medical history, asked me about some of my PCOS symptoms, irregular menses and acne, etc. and asked me if I have noticed any changes due to Metformin which I have been taking for 9 months now. I replied, no. He said it's "stupid" for women with PCOS to be on Metformin and that drug companies are miss educating Doctors to boost sales. Now mind you, my family Doctor put me on Metformin in Jan when I was told I had PCOS. Then my Gynecologist upped my dose and finally my RE upped my dosage again and this Doctor is telling me that it's of no value at all!

He then went on to say that he believes there are two things women with PCOS need to do and only two things...take birth control when they AREN'T trying to get pregnant and use IVF when they ARE trying to get pregnant. I thought this was interesting.

Dr. Silber also said that he would only perform IVF if I was on birth control for a minimum of 2 to 3 months before starting the IVF process. I believe this is so that debris can be cleaned out of my system, i.e. old eggs, lining, etc.

It was interesting to hear a completely different view than the other doctor's have given me. His pricing was higher than the other Doctors by about 2K but I was intrigued by what he had to say.

We are looking forward to Dr. Ahlering on October 18 for our third and final opinion. We will have all that we need then to make our decision. We can't do anything until January when my insurance kicks in, so we have a lot of time to prepare.

New Houses Bring New Babies...or that's what my RE says anyway...

As an Interior Designer I am constantly looking for things to do around the house. What can I say, it's my livelihood and my hobby! I figure I repaint my house every two to three years with new colors I fall in love with. I have the painting technique down pat! I trim and J rolls! This is only after I convince him that the current color just won't do! Anyway, we finished up all of the projects at our old home, an adorable little Queen Anne style home and I started getting the itch to move. So we fixed every minor thing in our home, touched it up, staged it and put it on the market. We had two offers in 4 days! SOLD! Only one problem-we hadn't found a new home! So we closed on Queen Anne, put our stuff in storage. Moved in to my Mother In Law's for two months and now we are in my parents place. We finally found a house and we are in the midst of construction! I love it! I hope our new home will bring babies, but ya know what? The best part about all of this is???? This entire process...the staging, selling, moving, buying and renovating has been a WONDERFUL DISTRACTION from the day to day struggles of infertility. I go see an RE this afternoon and then I go paint crown moulding! Who could ask for more!?!

Is this really happening?

There are days when I say to myself "I can't believe that infertility is actually my reality"

Over the last few weeks I keep going over a conversation I had with my hair dresser back in April. Jamie and I were just about to start clomid and embark on a southern Caribbean cruise, I was very excited. Kena and I got to talking about how infertility really sucks and I told her that I had feared for many many years that I would have problems getting pregnant. Oddly enough this is something I thought of on and off while in my twenties. It is really crazy that my worries have become reality.

My doubts about conceiving stemmed from bladder problems I had as a child. I was a bed wetter for many years, it runs in my family. I was on medication for years and went to see specialists repeatedly and had a procedure at some point during my childhood. The bladder problems, I am sure, probably have nothing to do with my infertility but it put the doubt in my head. Then as a teenager my menstrual cycles were always between 30 - 60 days apart. At the time I didn't realize this was a problem. Every Doctor I talked to said it wasn't a big deal, but now I know that was a symptom of my PCOS. Anyway, I knew that the length of my cycles were not normal and that created more doubts.

About two years ago, my friends and co-workers started having children. What's funny is that the more friends and co-workers that had babies, the more I felt my odds of having infertility problems were more likely. I mean if everyone around me could have a baby then I was sure to be the statistic, right? I guess I never really said it out loud but it was a fear I had. I remember telling Jamie before my first Dr's appointment that I thought I would have problems having children and voila, here I am. ..here we are. I feel like eight months is remarkable time to have come to IVF, it saddens me that it may take such a drastic measure on one hand but on the other I am glad I have been persistent enough with Dr.'s visits to be where we are.

Anyway, I haven't shared this until now. This seems like an appropriate place to get it out in the open. But this "feeling" I have carried for years is what has kept me motivated over the last few months. My instincts have said all along, something is wrong. So now, I can only be proactive in treating my infertility.

New appointments, a much needed break and self improvement...

After meeting with our RE, Dr. Keller at Wash U a couple of weeks ago. Jamie and I decided to get a second...and third opinion. We are meeting with Dr. Silber at St. Lukes today and will meet with Dr. Ahlering in a couple of weeks. It's not just a second opinion we are seeking but someone we trust and feel comfortable with as well.

I am currently covered under my husbands insurance which does not cover infertility. Needless to say that after finding out the cost of IVF Jamie and I started exploring all options. It turns out that my company's insurance does cover some IVF. What that means exactly I don't know. So I will enroll in my company's insurance in November and wait for it to take effect in January before moving further in my journey.

In the mean time, I am going to work on myself...

I could continue clomid but since I am not responding, I have decided to take a much needed break from the clomid. I will keep taking metformin and my prenatal vitamins/folic acid. I can't understand putting my body and emotions through the ringer again for the fun of it. My jaw and chin has been covered in acne since starting clomid and I have had a couple *wink wink* mood swings on my husband.

In the mean time I will indulge myself with coffee this month which I have not been drinking for the last eight months, a glass of wine or two occasionally if I feel like it and I won't track my temperatures for at least this cycle. I am taking a break!

However, I will be working on myself in positive ways as well. I am going to eat better and exercise more. I am going to focus on doing good things for myself so that when we start IVF or whatever option we choose I will be ready mentally and physically.

Over the past eight months I have become more and more tied up with what my body is doing reproductive wise and neglecting to focus on food and exercise which is important to do. I have been tracking my temperatures, and all of the signs during my cycle but not tracking my food intake or exercise and quite frankly the stress of the infertility is catching up with me and I have gained between five and ten pounds in the the last eight months. I think PCOS makes things a little more difficult when trying to lose and keep weight off but PCOS is no excuse. I will lose weight regardless of it.

Appointment with Dr. Silber-YAY!

Monday, September 28th Jamie and I will go to St. Lukes to meet with Dr. Silber and get his opinion on whether IVF is the appropriate next step to take. Apparently Dr. Silber has some other techniques that may meet our needs. I hear he is a straight shooter and I could use that right now. I am eager to meet him and I know J is too.

Finding out I had PCOS and deciding who to tell & not to tell...

I found out I had PCOS in Jan. 2009. Jamie and I wanted to get started trying have a family right after we were married so I scheduled a pre-conception check up only a couple weeks after our honeymoon. Dr. Z asked me if I had ever heard of PCOS. My response was no. She let me know that I needed to find an OB GYN that was familiar with PCOS and that I needed to google PCOS when I had a moment. She wrote me a prescription for Metformin and off I went. Of course, I left the Doctor's office and immediately called Jamie with the news that I had PCOS (although I couldn't offer more information), I went to work and googled it. I was overwhelmed with what I read. Message board after message board, blog after blog, website after website of women having difficulty getting pregnant, women who had tried for 2, 5, 9 YEARS to get pregnant. I became discouraged with in an hour.

I immediately wanted to talk to someone who had gone through what I feared I may go through. Infertility. Cindy, a lady I work with, had told me a few months ago that she was unable to have children when she tried many years ago due to endomitriosis. She was sitting upstairs in the library at a table, I could see her from my desk. I walked up to her, sat down and she asked where I had been that morning. I told her I was at the Doctor, she said "Your pregnant!?!" Tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "I just found out I may have trouble getting pregnant". I dropped my head and sobbed, covering my face and Cindy put her arm around me and said "There is so much that can be done". Her arm hugged me so tightly I could feel that she knew exactly what I was going through. C has been a person I can go to when I find out I have to have a new procedure or start a new medicine because she has been there. She's able to tell me, "ehh, it's not that bad-here's what to expect...". It feels so good to talk to someone who has been through it, even if her struggles were different than my own. So, Cindy was the first person I told outside of Jamie or my mom. Slowly, over a few months, I mentioned it to a few more female co-workers who I knew I could confide in. I told my brother. I told Lisa, our friend, who had been asking when we would get started having kids-I couldn't put the question off anymore so in the middle of a concert I just laid it out there.

Anyway... who to tell that you have fertility issues and who not to...
I struggle with this daily. Though I am a private person, I am an open book to those I trust. I will tell all and I have no problems with it. But to those I don't know well or don't know if I can trust, I say nothing. Some people I don't tell out of embarrassment, some I don't tell for fear that they may find joy in my sadness (only a one or two people), some I don't tell because they are happy and pregnant with their own child. Why ruin their joy with news of my struggle? It's exhausting to try and remember who knows what, who doesn't know at all, who has been updated on the latest and who hasn't.

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I don't care who knows-it's just time to follow our dreams and do what we have to do to make a family. In fact, part of me wants to put it out on facebook and let everyone of my friends, former classmates, co-workers and family members know so I can get it over with(okay, I won't go that far but you get the idea). I'm ready to move on from being embarrassed or feeling like less of a person because I have to undergo treatment.

I hope this blog will help, I hope to direct people here to my corner of the Internet and write about my struggles and achievements.

Where do we go from here?

Jamie and I had an appointment with Dr. Keller at the Washington University Infertility and Reproductive Center http://www.infertility.wustl.edu/ Friday, September 11, 2009. This was a "what to do next" type of meeting. The clomid I had taken four times previously had not worked. I was up to 200 mg of Clomid and 1500 mg of metformin. My body was not responding. I wasn't even ovulating. I was prepared for the next step to be injections which would be more costly than clomid but not as bad as IVF. Dr. Keller recommended in her meeting that we move right to the In-vitro Fertilization process which surprised us. The cost surprised us even more so. I always knew IVF was expensive, I had no idea just how much it would be.

It was hard for me to keep it together during the meeting. I wanted to be strong, but what I kept feeling was that I had a broken body. I feel responsible for Jamie having to go through this with me. I broke down in the elevator as soon as we walked out.

After talking about it, Jamie and I have decided to talk to another Doctor. It can't hurt to get some more pricing and learn of other procedures, right?