Madelyn's Nursery

Well, I am finally putting up pictures of Madelyn's nursery.  I said I was going to do it for months and I wanted to make sure I posted pictures before I print this blog to a book as a keep sake for Maddie.  Things are going really well.  This is my first week alone with the baby.  She is three weeks old and I am really loving my time with her.  Time flies when you live in three hour increments but I cherish every minute.  Madelyn is already outgrowing some of her newborn clothes.  Actually, she only has three or so outfits in newborn size and a lot of sleepers so moving to the next size up should provide many more clothing options which is exciting but sad at the same time because my precious little star is getting so big.  She is such an easy baby and is so sweet.  J and I are both in love.  Some of my favorite moments are listening to J talk to her.  I don't think I have heard him call her by her name once.  He calls her Sweet Pea and has conversations with her.  Very one sided conversations..it's so cute. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how lucky we are to be parents to this sweet angel and have given a lot of thought to all that we went through to get her.  Infertility was downright grueling and stressful at times, not to mention expensive-especially for newlyweds just trying to get started in life with two car payments, a house payment, savings, 401K's, etc.  I worried often about the cost of getting pregnant and stressed over where the cost would leave us but now that Madelyn is here...I can say that every penny was so worth it.  In fact, it feels like a bargain now.  IVF felt like playing the lottery at times.  There were no guarantees.  We paid our money and hoped for the best.  I was hopeful and positive until the day I learned we would have no embryos to freeze and put all of my hope and dreams on the two embryos in my belly-not knowing if either would give us a child.  Madelyn hung in there.  She was one of twelve to survive and I totally feel like I won the lottery-there's no other way to put it.  I will always feel she was meant for us; that she is extraordinarily special.  I would do it all over again in a heart beat . I hope I get to do it again one day...be pregnant that is.  I loved being pregnant.  I loved every minute.  I loved my labor and hospital experience and I would do that all over again in a heart beat.  I hope I get to have a second child one day-but if Madelyn is it for us in terms of children-I can live with that.  How many people get to say that they won the lottery?

Anyway, here are those pictures I promised...

And her bathroom for good measure...

* A STAR IS BORN *

Sorry it has taken me a while to update on Star's birth.  This last week has been a complete whirlwind but in such a good way.  On Tuesday morning at 9:33 A.M. we gladly and tearfully welcomed Madelyn Shirley into this world.  Madelyn was a name that J and I both loved and Shirley is in honor of J's Grandmother.  She was 7 pounds 1 ounce and 20 1/4 inches long.

Madelyn's Birth Story-

After a weekend of bed rest and a lot of fluids I went to my appointment at the Perinatal Center on Monday morning at 8:30.  My intentions were to go get my amniotic fluid checked out and then head to work once I was told everything was looking good.  I got to my appointment and the nurse monitored the babies heart rate and movements telling me everything looked great.  Next, I headed to the ultrasound where my amniotic fluid was measured.  After only a couple of minutes the nurse told me she measured 2 the first time and 4 the second time.  This was lower than Friday's amount of amniotic fluid.  The nurse called my Doctor while I waited.  I had no idea what this would mean for us.  I figured it meant more bed rest.  My Doctor wanted to speak to me.  The nurse handed me the phone and I was shocked when he suggested they take me right up to Labor and Delivery and induce me.  I called Jamie to let him know.  He was excited which was nice to hear because I was so nervous.  I never pictured it happening this way.  A lady from transport wheeled me to the Labor and Delivery floor and I was admitted at the desk and then showed to my room around 10:00 AM.  I was given a gown which I changed into and got into bed.  I sat and made a lot of phone calls, canceling appointments, wrapping up work, passing off projects, coordinating with Jamie as far as what to bring to the hospital, etc.  Two nurses came in and started my IV, checked my cervix which was still one centimeter dilated, asked a lot of questions and then started pitocin.  Jamie got to the hospital at 11:30 and came to the bed with teary eyes to give me a kiss and say "this is it babe".  He started unpacking suitcases, setting up electronics, etc.  I was more concerned that he change and get comfortable since he was dressed for business with a nice shirt and tie.  We had a long day or two ahead of us.  He did change and at some point he even made another trip home to get pillows and some other items I wanted.  

The nurses checked my cervix after I had been on the pitocin for a a couple of hours.  I was still one centimeter.  The plan was to increase the pitocin every half an hour.  My cervix wasn't responding to the pitocin after six hours and at some point the nurse had to call the Doctor to find out what he wanted to do.  He recommended upping the  pitocin even more and then broke my water at 4:40 PM .  Finally I started feeling the contractions and watched the numbers on the monitors climb as the pain grew more and more intense. I was gripping the side rails of the bed and Jamie was there for everyone of the contractions coaching me through them. J held my hand and watched the numbers with me letting me know when the numbers were dropping again signaling relief.  I was so grateful for him.  The Doctor wanted to see my cervix change before giving me an epidural.  A nurse came in soon after the Doctor left.  She had been watching my contractions from the nurses station.  She asked me if I was planning on going natural because I was dealing with some intense contractions.  I told her I wasn't planning on going natural and she said "Then, let's get you an epidural."  I was so happy.  I was only one centimeter and would be relieved of the pain from the pitocin.  My contractions were coming one after the other with two and three contractions in a row and little to no breaks in between contractions.    The epidural was given and I was relieved of the pain for the night.  We had some visitors which was nice once I was comfortable with the epidural in place.  Around midnight I asked everyone to leave so I could get some sleep.  I tried hard to get some rest but was constantly visited by the nurse on duty that night.  The babies heart rate kept dropping and they kept having me change positions and start oxygen.  I got no sleep.  I don't believe I even dozed off once.

At about 6:00 in the morning or so I could feel my contractions again.  I was 8-9 centimeters and thinning out.  The contractions the day before were measuring in the high 90's to 100, these contractions were topping out at 127. Jamie found out from the nurse that 127 was as high as the monitor would measure.  The pain was intense and they gave me more medicine in my epidural.  I was relieved for the time being. At 8:00 AM the nurse had me try pushing for the first time.   Jamie sat at the left end of the bed and held one heal while the nurse held the other.  I pushed three times with each contraction.  Jamie told me he could see the babies hair, it was dark.  I couldn't believe he could actually see her.  This gave me motivation to push harder and harder. I pushed and pushed, it was exhausting.  I remember telling the nurse I felt the baby was stuck.  My Doctor came in and touched the babies head while I pushed and said that the baby was face up and told me that they would need to use forceps.  At that point I started having intense back labor as the babies head pushed on my back.  Other Doctors and residents came in the room and I gripped Jamie's hand as the pain in my back grew more and more intense.  My Doctor ordered more anesthesia which came quickly and everyone in the room stood quiet as I waited for the anesthesia to work.  I just remember wincing in pain and squirming with each contraction   The pain didn't go away between contractions either.  It was so intense.  Eventually I told everyone I was good and ready to go.  The bed was adjusted, stirrups in place, my legs were lifted into position and with the next contraction I pushed three to four times and heard the metal forceps clang together and felt a big tug as the baby came out.  

She had the softest cry.  She was placed on my stomach.  I told her how long we had waited to meet her.  I cried one of the happiest cries of my life.  I was in awe.  She was beautiful and perfect.  The room was filled with so many strangers and so much commotion but for that moment, it was just us two.  I will never forget that moment.  The moment I met my daughter for the first time. 

The nurse took Madelyn to the warmer and J followed with camera in hand.  I watched the two of them from the bed while the Doctors worked on me.  Jamie was so proud.  He had tears and was taking so many pictures and I think he even updated facebook and sent a few texts.  I had to remind him to go touch the baby since they say that touch is so important in those first few moments.  

We had planned for the first call to be to J's Grandmother.  No one knew the babies name and we wanted her to know first.  J called his Grandmother, Shirley, in Florida once the baby was brought to the warmer and told her the baby was born and that she was named after her.  I spoke briefly to his Grandmother who congratulated us and told me how honored she was to have our baby named after her.  It was a great moment.  That was the one single moment J and I looked forward to after the baby was born.  Telling his Grandmother that our baby would carry her name was special for us.  We had planned on naming a girl after Shirley for years.

 

A week after Madelyn's birth-

We came home on Thursday with a new baby and a  billi-bed.  Madelyn had Jaundice.  She had to lay on this tiny little light bed when she wasn't being fed.  It was so difficult to have a new baby at home and not be able to hold her for three days except to feed her.  Her Jaundice levels grew higher for three days and her blood was drawn daily.  Finally, the levels dropped and we have sent the bed back to the hospital and can hold our sweet baby.   

I did try breastfeeding.  I gave it everything I had.  I fed from the breast and I pumped but such a little amount came out that after speaking to a lactation consultant we decided it wasn't worth the stress.  I was getting maybe 1/8 ounce per pumping session and she was eating 1 1/2 ounces per feeding.  My milk came in but had no way to get to the surface after a breast reduction.  I cried once I realized I wouldn't be able breastfeed.  I wanted the best for my baby and felt I was letting my baby and my husband down.  J was so supportive the whole time, I am so fortunate.  He told me he hated watching me work my ass off for so little milk.  I remember one time after pumping at home I got a decent amount one time and showed Jamie and he told me how beautiful the milk was.  He really was supportive of the ups and downs of the entire process.

Another way he was supportive was of the baby blues I had once I got home.  For the first night or two I cried every time I looked at Madelyn.  I cried because I loved her so much and didn't want her to ever grow up.  I wanted to cherish these moments forever and hated that she had to lay on the light bed while I sat idly by watching her and not being able to hold her.  I felt time slipping through my fingers while I was watching my little girl lay on a light bed.  A couple of days later those emotions gave way to fear, confusion, exhaustion and hopelessness.  I stopped eating, I felt nauseous, I looked at Madelyn and felt completely overwhelmed.  I watched my life turn upside down with a baby.  I had no control, I had no desire for control.  I did nothing around the house.  I was a mess.  I was lacking sleep.  I cried repeatedly.  I called Jamie and work crying and telling him I hated how I felt.  I was scared.  I was scared of today, tomorrow and the future.  I made an appointment with my therapist who did some depression diagnostic testing and recommended I call my OB and get placed on an anti-depressant immediately.  I did call yesterday and had a prescription called in.  By the time I picked up my prescription yesterday I was feeling a little better and was told that the baby blues last a couple of weeks or less.  I am thankful for my husband and his Mom who helped get me through this by letting me sleep and taking care of the house.  I weighed this morning and I have lost all of my baby weight in the one week since Madelyn's birth plus four additional pounds.  I weigh four pounds less than I did before starting IVF.  I still don't have the desire to eat but I am making myself.

I am feeling better.  I woke up this morning to a bright-eyed baby girl.  Her Daddy and I are so in love with her.  I feel thankful to be feeling better and thankful to be able to enjoy her.  We had Madelyn's new born pictures taken Tuesday. She did amazing!  At one point I looked at J and said I can't believe she is ours, I can't believe we made her.  

I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy and delivery.  I feel honored to have been able to carry a baby and give birth.  I always wanted to experience those two things and to experience being a Mommy.  It's incredible.  I love our family and I love our new life.

Update from the Delivery Room

Well, it looks like 1-18-11 will be the day.  A is slowly dilating and is now 4-5cm.  A is doing great and fought hard through a tough day.  By now, all who were hoping to make it to STL for the birth are here and it is time for Star.  We are hopeful the next check up will report good things and continued progress towards 10cm.  For the first time with out Dr's, we have discussed going cesarean but, at this time, we are stating the course.

-J-

Induced this morning-

I went in for my follow up appointment this morning at the Perinatal lab.  Star's heart sounded great and looked great on the tape.  I recorded it and sent it to J as he could not be there.  The ultrasound was next where the amniotic fluid was measured.   The tech measured 2 the first time and 4 the second time.  Anything under 5 was reason to be concerned.  I was.  I was there alone and scared.  The tech called my Dr.  I waited alone for 15-20 minutes not wanting to scare Jamie with the news until I had more information so I sat alone and waited for word on what would happen next.  The technician came back and said that my Dr. wanted to speak to me.  I spoke with him and he said it was best to deliver.  HOLY CRAP!  So I was wheeled up to labor and delivery...again, scary to do alone.  I was admitted, showed my room, told to change and had an IV started.  J went home and grabbed our bags and played fetch with Wilson one last time before his sister came home and he then came to the hospital.  J got to the hospital and gave me a kiss with teary eyes.  He's so excited.  He immediately started situating suit cases, taking pictures etc.  By the time he had arrived my pitocin had been started.  They are monitoring the baby closely as I am still one centimeter dilated and -2 station and my cervix is still thick at 37 weeks 5 days.  They are monitoring me to make sure that having so little amniotic fluid doesn't stress little star out and to make sure she doesn't lay on or kink the umbilical cord.  Pitocin has been going for two or so hours now and has increased every half hour.  I am feeling tightening in my stomach every few minutes.  A little pain so far but nothing terrible.  They will break my water soon and that scares me but I'm excited.  Seeing the baby warmer in the corner is so surreal.  It's finally here.  Star's about to have a birthday...our dreams are about to come true.

Patience of a Saint

Still on bed rest.  Finding it very difficult to stay horizontal.  Why is it that it would be much easier to be lazy all weekend if it was my idea versus a Doctors?  I'm doing my best but have been told by the hubs to "go lay down".  We had friends over last night for dinner.  A couple that had a baby 6 weeks ago.  We saw them on New Years and invited them over for dinner at our house. 

Their baby was quiet for an hour before dinner while we talked and through most of our dinner itself.  Her Daddy gave her a bottle after dinner and within one minute of starting the bottle the baby freaked out for what seemed like no reason to all of us.  She cried one of those frustrated/angry cries while Dad tried to calm her and then while Mom tried to calm her passing her back off to Dad and then back to Mom.  A half hour later I told J he should give it a try as I was stuck on the sofa and baby liked to walk around.  Mom and Dad were getting frustrated.  He gladly accepted and walked around with the baby.  The parents sat with me, exhausted and bewildered.  J walked around with the little baby for a half hour or more while she cried and cried.  I heard J's foot steps pacing up stairs, I could hear the baby too and just when the Mom suggested we save Jamie...he arrived in the dining room with a little Monkey falling fast asleep on his shoulder.  I was so proud of him.  She had been crying for over an hour at this point.  He did so well and Mom and Dad breathed a sigh of relief while we opened dessert. 

The patience of a saint isn't normally how I would describe my husband but last night he pulled through when all others gave up.  I was proud of him and he was proud of himself and I think it was one of those moments that made him feel like he could handle a baby.

Perinatal visit = bed rest (maybe temporarily)

Dr. B's office actually called me this morning at 8:15 and told me they wanted me to get to the Perinatal Unit at our hospital for a 9:00 appointment.  I had 45 minutes to get to the appointment from work down town and was advised that they don't like for people to be late!  I made it on time and J met me in the parking lot.  He was still half asleep, poor guy.  We registered and waited to be called.  They brought us back to a monitoring room and listened to Star's heartbeat for a half hour looking for signs of stress.  She did well and had three accelerations which was required to pass.  Next we had an ultrasound, a thirty minute ultrasound where we looked for significant movements in that time period.  Star made us wait until the last few minutes but she did finally move a few times.  The nurse measured the amniotic fluid and it was 5.3.  Better than yesterday but still borderline.  She called my Doctors office and was told to have me go home and start bed rest.  The nurse called me on my way home and said to schedule two of those same tests I had today weekly until delivery.  I scheduled one for Monday morning at 8:30 and one for Thursday at 4:00.  I can only go back to work if my fluid level increases.  I am hoping it does because I don't want to burn my maternity leave before Star is even here.  I am trying to stay horizontal and to drink a ton of fluids.

We'll see what Monday morning brings.  Of course, being on bed rest...I can think of 50 million things I would like to do, but can't. 

Dr. appointment

We went back to Dr. B's office for an ultrasound and routine exam.  J was running late due to work so I went into the ultrasound alone.  There was a mix up and the testing I was supposed to have this time was not scheduled.  So instead of listening to the heart rate and making sure the baby isn't stressed we only had the ultrasound which didn't make me happy.  In fact, my appointment was at 5:00 and they don't even administer that test after 4:30.  Ugh...

The ultrasound technician measured all four quadrants of the sac right away.  To measure the amount of amniotic fluid she takes an image of all four quadrants and then measures the dark black areas on each image coming up with a total amount of fluid.  Dr. B said last time that what they don't want to see is a number below five and certainly another decreased number since the number has declined the previous two appointments.  J asked the Dr. what would happen if they saw a decreased number and Dr. B explained that they would deliver the baby.

The fluid amount was originally 12 and then 7 and yesterday it was 4.  That number scared me.  Just remembering what Dr. B said last time had been playing in my head throughout the day, I didn't want to see a number below 5 and here it was, 4.2.  I wished that J had been there, I wanted to get someone else's reaction to this number.  The ultrasound technician was stoic as always.  I got scared again when she paused over the heart beat and stopped for over a minute.  She had never done this before.  We finished up, wiped off the belly and I was off to the waiting room for the appointment with Dr. B to get his take on things.

I sat there for a minute and all of a sudden I heard someone running down the hallway and the door opening...it was J.  I told him the number and he was stunned but then smiled and touched my leg and nervously said "this could be it".  We were called back. The exam went fine.  I am one centimeter dilated and up 24 pounds now.  We met the Dr. in his office next to talk.  He went over the paperwork and said he was concerned about the amount of amniotic fluid and wanted me to go to the perinatal unit today or Monday for a bio-physical test which is where they will do another ultrasound and listen to Star's heart for a long period of time to make sure she is okay.  I am currently waiting for my Dr.'s office to open at 9:00 so I can get them to order this test and then call the perinatal lab and schedule it.  Hoping I can get in today and not have to wait until Monday.

37 Weeks - Full term

We have a full term baby on board as of today!  She's still moving a lot.  I am trying to soak in every minute of our last few days/weeks together.  I will miss her being in my belly, it's one of the greatest pleasures I have had in my life.  I am beginning to think that seeing her outside of the womb is going to be a little surreal.  I have pictured this little body moving around and visualize her based on ultrasound pictures.  To finally see her in person will be different.  I am looking forward to seeing what features she has of my own and J's.  I really stink at surprises, I hate them.  So, not knowing when she will come is killing me!

As soon as I came home last night I started prepping for the hospital again.  I had thought of some things while at work that I thought were important to write down and address with J.  I wanted to write down important phone numbers like the Dr.'s office and the exchange so that J would have them if he needed them.  I wanted to get Star's hospital papers together and come up with plans for different scenarios of labor.  We talked about who to call and at what point in labor to call those people.  It is important to me to honor what each of us envision for that day.  We went over some of the signs of labor that we learned in our classes, timing contractions, etc.  J wanted to know how to time them so we looked over our class information.  It was good to refresh as it has been months since we learned all of this stuff.   It came back to both of us quickly.

We packed the paper work away in our suitcase, watched TV for a little bit and then J took me out for ice cream.

We came home and took advantage of being pre-baby...we went to bed early as we do a lot these days.  We got all snuggled in bed and watched Teen Mom 2 (our guilty pleasure- we both love that show and this season is packed with drama!).  During the commercials J would burrow under all of the pillows in my "nest" and talk to Star.  He wanted to know if she was awake and I told him I didn't think so.  He tried knocking on the belly but she didn't answer.  He's so cute, he makes me laugh.  Each commercial he would came over.  We gave each other arm, neck and back tickles and just enjoyed being together.  I feel a phase of our lives coming to an end and the new phase approaching rather quickly.  Although I am looking forward to the new phase I will miss this one.  I always tell J that I love him but last night I wanted him to know it especially.  I don't know if it's the baby being so close or what but I love him now more than ever and told him so.  I am happy to be on this journey with him, he's an amazing partner.  I told him what a great Father he's going to be...and a natural too. 

Speaking of J, he had the car seat installed in his car on Monday.  He called me with the base and seat installed in the back to tell me how weird it is to be driving around with a baby seat.  He installed mine that night based on what he learned at the fire station.  He's already quite the father.  Both cars are set for baby.  We realized last night though that we can't take the dog anywhere now as the back seat was his but with car seats installed in the center of each car...poor Wilson can't go anywhere.  :(

Well, we have our ultrasound/amniotic fluid test tomorrow at 5:00.  Hopefully everything is great and Star is doing well.  I will update after.

Baby Shower

We had a baby shower yesterday.  It was given by my brother Brent, his wife Taryn and Jamie's two sisters Julie and Nancy.  It was a special day which was made special by the thought that went into planning and orchestrating it.  My brother wanted it to be perfect and would call and run things by me in the weeks prior.  I kept telling him not to stress over it and that whatever he did would be perfect and it was.  The fact that my brother cared enough to help meant a lot to me.  He was my only family member present.  I just appreciated the thought and the effort as well as every person that took time to come to the shower.  It meant so much to be surrounded by the people that mean so much to us. 

We received many wonderful gifts which we are so grateful for.  Some sweet clothes of all sizes and many blankets which I love.  A couple of gifts off of the registry which were nice as well.  All in all a great day surrounded by the people we love the most and the people that love us the most.  We are so fortunate.

One of my favorite gifts was from my Grandfather and his wife, Kay.  I didn't expect to receive anything from my family and to know they took the time and made the effort to send a gift meant so much and made me feel like I did have family there.  Kay's daughter, Dana sent a lovely gift as well.  A keepsake box full of blank stationary with instructions.  I am to write "Star" one letter every year on her birthday telling her what the past year has meant to me and save them until she turns 21.  For 21 years after she turns 21 I mail one of those letters to her each year the week before her birthday.  It's the only time I cried during the shower.  I have always loved traditions and I look forward to this tradition and I am so happy and fulfilled to have a daughter to share a tradition with.

Ultrasound/Dr. appt.

Met Jamie at the Dr.'s office yesterday at 4:30.  We were called back to the ultrasound room shortly after.  Baby girl is still measuring big.  This time at 7 pounds 5 ounces.  My weekly update said she should be around 6 pounds this week.  As long as she is healthy and happy in there I am okay with anything.  The ultrasound technician thinks the estimates are generally a bit over by 6 ounces.  Next she measured the amniotic fluid which we spoke with Dr. B about later.  Star was up to her usual antics.  Sticking hands in her mouth and had her feet up by her head.  I told the ultrasound tech. that was my girl and it looked very familiar.  Of the three pictures we received, the only picture you can really make out is a foot, of course, and take note of the strong bones with all of the milk I drink!  Jamie and I marveled at her femur when we saw it, it was huge too.  Girl's got strong bones!

(The foot is upside down.)

We headed back to the waiting room and were called back to see Dr. B quickly after being seated.  My weight is up 22 pounds so far.  The exam went fine.  No mention of dilation which I took to mean I wasn't dilated.  I was right.  We met in his office next and he said the due date is looking like Jan. 28th now from Star's measurements.  So we have had four due dates...our original due date from our RE after IVF of Feb. 2, our 12 week ultrasound due date of Feb 16, our 32 week ultrasound due date of Jan. 20, and now our 36 week ultrasound due date of Jan. 28th.  Dr. B said that it looks like the 12 week ultrasound of Feb. 16 was a fluke so we are throwing that one out.  He thinks our original date is more correct which I could have told him!  Our RE told us not to let anyone give us a different due date than what he was giving us after our BFP.  I am okay with whatever date we go with from here on out. 

Dr. B touched on the amniotic fluid issue next.  Last time he said there was too much fluid, measuring at 12.9.  The fluid should measure around 12.  This time there was 7._ fluid.  They don't like to see below 5.  He said this could change based on babies position but he wants us back next week for a specific type of ultrasound where they listen to the heart rate for 20-30 minutes while measuring the amniotic fluid.  So...that is next Thursday @ 5:00.  Dr. B said the ultrasound could measure higher next week, you never know but what we don't want to see is 12.9 go to 7._ and then go lower making a pattern. 

BH contractions have been few and sporadic over the past couple of weeks.  I had one yesterday morning but nothing more to speak of.  After my exam I have been experiencing a lot of cramping.  I had cramping last night before bed, in the middle of the night and a little this morning.  I am thinking that Dr. B just irritated my cervix because I have been bleeding as well.  I'm putting a call into the Dr.'s office this morning to speak to a nurse and make sure this is okay. 

Car seats will hopefully be installed today.  A couple of minor projects around the house and we will finish up packing for Star's birthday then we should be good to go.

36 weeks!

How far along? 36 Weeks!!!!!!

Baby's size? About 20.7 inches and about 6 pounds (or that's what my weekly update says anyway)

Weight Gain? I'm guessing I have gained between 20-25 pounds so far.  I haven't weighed in a couple of weeks but pastries sound good all of a sudden and I'm loving cereal and milk.  I have noticed my face has widened and so has my nose!  Yilkth!

Sleep?  What's that?  Insomnia and back aches are my reality in bed.

Food? Pastries, Cereal and Milk.  Loving Milk above everything else though.  On my second gallon this week.

Best moment this week? The car seat was delivered last night and it's just so surreal to see what little Star will sit in.  I'm calling the fire department today to schedule install for the bases in both cars.

Movement? YES!  She is moving constantly.  I can really see her move when I look at my stomach.  I can feel it's getting tighter in there for her.  She is still so gentle when she moves.  I can't get over that.

Symptoms? Peeing constantly.  I never know I have to go that bad until I stand up and then look out!  Sometimes I swear I just make it to the bathroom.  I will sit at my desk for an hour and then stand up for a meeting and all of a sudden I've got to go which makes me late to my meeting having to stop by the ladies room first.

What I miss?  Nothing.

What I'm looking forward to?  Our ultrasound tomorrow.  An opportunity to see Star and to see if we can be expecting her sooner or later than the date they last gave us of Jan. 20.  I think the last measurement was a fluke, but we'll see.

Weekly Wisdom: "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."  
— Leonard Cohen

Milestones: I think 36 weeks is a milestone in itself!

What I love: Daydreaming of Star.   Watching Jamie nest.  I swear he nests!

Emotions: Feeling great.

Projects: I decided that I wanted to make Star some blankets this weekend.  I am looking forward to going to the fabric store and selecting some fun fabrics and making her some special keepsakes.  I have a special place in my heart for blankets.  I have so many of them.  There is something about being snuggled up in them that makes me feel so good.  So, I want to make a few for our girl.

Bump picture - 1 month to due date

New years was fun this year and we managed to actually do something for the first time since 2002/3.  We went to our friends home, had dinner and watched Phish in a live concert from Madison Square Garden.  In 2002/3 we were at MSG watching Phish live.  I didn't think I would stay awake the whole time but I did.  I faded quick at the end.  Our friends just had a baby a month ago so it was nice being able to hold her and ask questions.  I gave the mom a break and held the baby so she could eat dinner and enjoy having company instead of lugging a baby around.  J held her too, he's a natural and he loves holding babies.   You can just see it in his face.  I had the baby cradled in my arms at one point when Star gave the baby a big kick in the butt!  Star kicks anything that rests on the belly so little Sammy got a big ol' kick.  I had to laugh.  These people also have a beagle that likes to sit on pregnant bellies, so the beagle and I became close friends.

J took this picture yesterday, one month until our due date.  My shirts aren't quite covering all that they used to length wise.  This shirt used to be long.

We have started readying ourselves and the house for the final few weeks.  The room is completely finished minus a slipcover for the chair.  The name is hanging from the clothes line on the wall between trees, her first initial is surrounded by shelves and art along with other mementos and her monogram is on the wall above her changing table.  There is no mistaking it, this is Star's room.  Pictures of that still to come, although I am going to have to blur the personalized lettering as we haven't shared her name yet.  I also completed Star's ipod play list.  I have included 110 baby Mozart songs along with other favorite songs of mine and J's.  I set it up in the ipod player on her dresser yesterday and I think we will love having that in there.  We are both so proud of this room.  It turned out so great and I love that we created the room item by item.  We chose every little detail ourselves and it's so perfect that we both continually visit it just to look at it.  It's beautiful. 

We started packing J's bag as well as the electronics.  We only have two tiny suitcases so I think we are doing well. 

An employee of J's gave us a big box of baby clothes sized NB to 6 months so we went through those and washed what we were interested in and put the other items in the basement.  Star is all good for clothes in her first 6 months and we really spent a minimal amount of money for all we have which is great.   There is no pressure to make sure she wears every little garment, if she does...great, if she doesn't...great. 

I caught myself nesting a few times this weekend.  I cleaned out the baby overflow room/Wilson's boom-boom room.  We keep a years worth of diapers in there / extra clothes that Star will wear after 6 months, toys, etc.  J found me at one point and asked me what I was doing and I said "nesting".  He just laughed at me.  Then Sunday I had the urge to clean the basement...more so than I did a few months ago.  I purged a lot of crap...that felt good.  I hate clutter and those basements are clutter collectors!  For a floor of our house we never visit it sure collects a lot of crap. 

I have two showers in the next couple of weeks.  One at my sister-in-laws for J's family and some of our friends and one at my former managers house for co-workers.  

Things we still need to do include going to the fire station up the street and having car seat bases installed.  Completing the diaper changing closet on the lower level.  Finish what packing remains for the hospital.  Putting the bassinet in our room.  Those are the biggest items left, yet I am sure I will find items to add to the list as time progresses.

35/35

Holy Crap!  35 weeks down/35 days to go until our Estimated Due Date (the original Feb 2nd due date).  I am in awe that we have made it this far and in what seems like a flash.  35 weeks has passed in what seems like the blink of an eye.  I started reflecting back on the last 35 weeks and it looks something like this...

It all started with this little prayer the day of our first injection for this cycle...

"I asked God to watch over us as we pursue our dream of having a child. I promised him that I would make this child my first priority in life and would make it my mission to raise a child that felt wanted and loved. I would give this child all of the good things I have been afforded in life and do my best spare it all of the negative things. I would help guide this child to be a loving, responsible, caring, intelligent person. I would give this child all that I have if we could be so lucky as to have a successful IVF cycle this time."

 May 15, 2010 - Embryo 1 transferred

 May 15, 2010 - Embryo 2 transferred

An excerpt from my post the day of transfer-

"There, in the middle of my uterus on a fuzzy ultrasound screen was a bright glow, our embryos. Jamie rubbed my arm and then grabbed my hand once we got closer to the moment and when I looked back at his face once the transfer was complete he was red and he had tears in his eyes. I looked back once more and he had his head down. That summed it up, all of our hard work, our many appointments, all of those injections, vitamins and pills were for this one little magical moment we had been waiting for. The embryos sat in the brightest spot on the screen in a little air pocket in my uterus, it was done. "

A few days worth of positive pregnancy tests kept secret by J and I while we soaked it all in.  An experience I thought I would never have.  I just kept testing!

June 17, 2010 - 2 days before J's 34th birthday.  Our first ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat for the first time.  J posing with our lucky coconut.









Our  10 week ultrasound. 

June 29, 2010 - Our 12 week ultrasound.  Printed to tell J's Grandma that we are expecting.









August 7, 2010 - J's Grandmother's 85th birthday party.



















 Sharing the good news at 14 weeks.

Great moment. Grandmother and Grandson after the announcement.



















September 16, 2010 - 18 weeks
It's a GIRL!

 Still, my favorite ultrasound.

Presents for Daddy.  The day we found out we were having a girl.

December 3, 2010 - 4D ultrasound.












I can't believe so much has happened in 35 weeks.  We are so fortunate.  As far as the pregnancy at this point...my bones hurt.  Sleeping is very uncomfortable and I flip back and forth constantly throughout the night because laying on my sides is hurting my bones from my lower legs all the way up to my shoulders and especially my hips.  Sleeping on my back helps to relieve my sides but I can only lay that way for so long before it gets really uncomfortable.  Two mornings ago I woke up in so much pain I was walking like an elderly person and so I took a hot shower to warm up my bones and that helped.  Sleeping on the sofa is helping some as it is softer than our bed.  Looks like sofa city is it for me yet again.

I have also been experiencing more BH contractions.  Cramp like feelings low under my belly that last 30 seconds to a minute.  They just appeared on Christmas night and happened a couple more times throughout the next couple of days.  Looks like the ol' body is preparing for our little star.

On another front.  I have to admit I am getting nervous for the arrival of our little bundle of joy.  I know she will be the best thing that ever happened to us and that we will love her to pieces but I also know how much work a baby is when it isn't mine so I can only imagine how much work a baby will be when it is mine.  I know our lives are going to change drastically.  I love our life right now.  I know I will love our new life too but it's scary to say goodbye to our current life.  I sometimes wonder if J realizes how much work it's going to be.  Even if he doesn't, I know he will be an active participant when Star is here.  

We worked on Star's room this week.  We have a few more things to hang and then the slipcover needs to be completed and the room is all set.  Which reminds me...we need a small fan for her room to reduce SIDS.  They say a fan circulating air reduces SIDS by 80%.  I need to get on that but where do you buy a small fan in the winter?  I've looked but heaters are all I find.  Star's lamp and baskets came in last night for her bedroom and J had them all set up when I got home.  We got this adorable little lamp from Land of Nod.  Love that place but would it kill those people to have a sale once in a while?  Anyway, we got this little bird bath lamp that looks antiqued with a white shade.

We had also forgotten about two purchases we made for her walls back in October!  They were on back order at Pottery Barn Kids and we were never called.  We would have completely forgotten had it not been for me finding the receipt in Star's closet by mistake two nights ago!  I called and they were in.  Here they are....

So sweet!  Oh! And we have decided to seal the room off from any more visitors and put Star's name up along with her initial on another wall and her monogram!  It's official, we're close!

Christmas 2010 and packing for the big day

Christmas this year was interesting to say the least - a lot happened.  I had a great birthday - 33 feels great and I am so happy with where I am at 33.  My sweet husband got me a beautiful Coach purse for my b-day which was very sweet.  I have a love/hate relationship with Coach and he picked a great purse, a "mom-style" purse with built in organization and I loved it-but exchanged it for one size larger!  We made Santa's Snack Mix on that day and put it in jars to pass out to family and headed over to my MIL's for our annual Christmas gift exchange.  That was fun. 

Christmas morning J and I woke up and started preparing breakfast for guests we invited over.  We made two Christmas morning Casseroles the night before and made french toast that morning.  Our guests left at 11:30 or so and J and I opened our gifts to each other shortly after.  We took turns picking out gifts for each other to open.  I received a large bottle of my favorite perfume, Jadore' by Dior along with a great lotion and purse sized bottle as well as body scrub and more lotion and a face scrub by Bliss (love that stuff).  I also received a down comforter which I am excited to put on our bed.  Perhaps the best gift was a gift that came in a box I have come to love over the years...a blue Tiffany & Co. box with a red bow.  I opened it and there was a beautiful necklace with a star shaped pendant.  I knew exactly what it was in reference to but it wasn't until I opened the card which I had missed that I teared up, as did Jamie.  The card read, "Merry Christmas.  Love, Star"  It was the single sweetest moment of my holiday season.  I hugged and kissed J.  J put it on me that morning and I haven't taken it off.  The fact that he thought to do that was so sweet.  I am so lucky.

 

As for J, I wanted to give him something he really needed and has needed for a long time.  A new set of tools, and a tool chest and cabinet to store them in.  J has become quite the handy man over the years.  He needed a complete set of good tools and a means to organize them.  His current tool collection consisted of mis-matched odds and ends and were kept in a box.  He now has 8 drawers with liners to organize a complete set of tools as well as his first Dewalt power drill with bits.   He needed these things and I wanted him to have them before Star was here.  Every Dad needs a complete set of tools.  :)  J got to open a few gifts not related to tools, a t-shirt, a hoodie and athletic shorts with his favorite college team logo on them, a coffee gift card and a grooming tool as well.  We put his tool cabinet together and last night we used the tools for the first time to hang shelves and picture frames up in Star's room.  It was nice to know we had the tools we needed and where to find them. 

...

In other news we have officially started packing our hospital bag!  I have a list of what is recommended we bring by our hospital and another list from the Subfertile Frugalista of what she packed for her hospital trip.  She gives a nice account of what she used and didn't use for her hospital stay.  With both lists in hand I went out and tried to find the best buys I could.  I already had some nightgowns that would be perfect but I needed options to wear during the day as well.  I wanted versatile, loose clothing.  I checked all over and finally found these at Destination Maternity...

 

















I got three of these 3-piece ensembles in different colors (they were only $45 for each set).  They will be perfect for the stay.  They are perfect for feedings, lounging or company when the robe is used.  I also got 4 bras, some small toiletry items, snacks and a pair of slippers to toss away after our stay.  Our hospital recommends packing a bag for Mom, one for Dad and one for Labor filled with massage items, etc.  I think our third suit case will be filled more with electronics and paper work than labor items.  We are thinking that J will stay in the hospital with me most of the time and we have a dog sitter on stand by so that is taken care of.  Here is the list of what I have packed so far and what I still need to pack...

Packed:
3 nightgowns
3 pajama pants
4 pair of socks
slippers
swim suit (recommended by hospital for tub)
3 3-piece day outfits
4 nursing bras
toiletries including chap stick, head bands and pony tail holders
Go home outfit for Star
Snacks

Need to pack:
J's suit case
Paper work
Go home outfit for me with Shoes
underwear
Baby book
Flip camera
Nikon camera with charger and extra disc
Cell phones/chargers
Nook (electronic book) and charger
J's lap top
Hat for Star
Car seat/base installed in car
Baby help books?

...

On another front...J and I went back to look at stroller's just to make sure we liked the stroller we were getting and decided on a different stroller.  The city mini is so great except for one thing...storage.  There is the tiniest little storage compartment on the bottom that is hardly accessible.  My purse wouldn't fit in there and I couldn't imagine a trip to the mall with a diaper bag, purse and shopping bags and no storage.  As much as I loved that stroller we had to part ways...I have pushed enough strollers to know the value of that storage below.  So we moved up one level to the City Select.  It was on sale for $399 but we went home and found it for $70 cheaper on-line and ordered it as well as the Chicco Romantic (that's the color) Car Seat with additional base which we also found for a great deal on line.  Here they are...everything in basic black because the other color options are downright SCARY!

 


What I love about this stroller is the baby can sit high close to us or lower and the baby can face us or out all the way up to 55 pounds and did I mention the fabulous storage?  I could but 5 of my purses down there.  It also has the capability to add a second seat in the event there is a second child...ever...which I am doubting but it's a nice option to have.   Here it is with the car seat installed and below you can see the many different ways it can be used.

So, that's about it.  We removed those items from our "need to get" list at BRU and they are on their way!  When the car seat bases come in we will go to our local fire house and have them installed in each of our cars.  Our holiday weekend was wonderful.  The best I have probably ever had and filled with love, cheer and baby gear.

34 weeks and grateful

In addition to my update this week I wanted to write about how grateful I am for the gift, the sheer privilege, to be expecting the baby we hoped for so badly last Christmas. I sit here the day before my 33rd birthday and two days before Christmas and know that I have already received the best gift I could ever hope for.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  I've got a baby in my belly and a husband I can't get enough of.

How far along? 34 weeks! 

Baby's size? A melon! (Confused because we have already been a melon before in this pregnancy, but maybe we are a bigger melon?)  19.5 inches!

Weight Gain? 19 pounds.

Sleep? INSOMNIA!  Up two mornings this week at 4:45 and one morning at 1:45.  Wide awake.  Turns out this is a great time to get stuff done.  Grocery lists, checking emails, catching up on recorded shows I've missed.  Then I head to work where the day drags on.  My shoulder and back are feeling better though.  The major pains are gone for now so that's good.  Terrible round ligament pain last night.  Man, those hurt.  I'll gladly deal with it but I still nod my head at Michelle Duggar.

Food? Still loving my milk.

Best moment this week? J feeling Star move after dinner the other night.  He finally felt her squirm instead of kick.  I love looking at his face when he feels something.

Movement? Lots! Especially after dinner.  I also sat in an hour meeting yesterday and watched my belly move.  It's so crazy to see it moving.  Star is still sticking her butt out a lot.  All of a sudden there's a little round ball protruding from my round belly right under my rib cage.  I always say that Star is sticking her booty out.

Symptoms? Insomnia and swelling of hands and feet.  My skin on my stomach is finally stretched pretty tight and..........SNORING.   I used to be a silent sleeper but as soon as  I lay down, like instantly, my sinuses fill and I start coughing.  I heard snoring is normal during pregnancy in our classes and several women admitted to snoring in our class but I hate the thought of snoring.  I hate that I woke J up the other morning.  Probably the only time he has gotten up before me on a work day.  I went downstairs after he got up and rounded the corner into the kitchen and he said "You're fired!"  I woke the poor guy up and he wanted to fire me as his bed mate!  I have to write about another night a few weeks ago that I went to bed early and was all tucked into my nest, drifted off to sleep while J lay beside me watching TV only to be woken by laughter..giggling...I opened my eyes and there was J, looking at me, giggling with this face of disbelief at the sounds I was making!  Waking up to someone laughing at you snore?  So embarrassing!  He told me he would have recorded it on his phone had the dog not been laying on him.  I told him he better NEVER record me snoring...no girl wants to be recorded snoring!

What I miss? Nothing.

What I'm looking forward to? Our next ultrasound.  We met with Dr. B Tuesday night and he said there appears to be a large amount of amniotic fluid (which he hadn't mentioned before) and of course we know that Star measured rather large last time...so I am looking forward to seeing what happens next ultrasound. 

Looking forward to Christmas Eve at J's Mom's again this year and I am also looking forward to Christmas morning again this year.  I have some gifts I hope J will really love and I am excited to host breakfast for the third year in a row with my brother, his wife and my niece.  J and I make Christmas morning breakfast casserole and Martha Stewart's french toast made with challah bread.  It's delicious and it makes Christmas morning that much better when you start it off with a great breakfast.  That evening we are making dinner for J's Dad and Step mom and seeing a movie.  Not excited about seeing "The fighter" but there aren't many options I like at the theatre right now unfortunately.  Oh well. 

Weekly Wisdom: I am with and be grateful for the gift of being pregnant.

Milestones: I think insomnia is a big milestone...I had been waiting for it and here it is.  I don't mind it, I kind of like getting things done with extra hours in my day but let's face it sleep is always better than little to no sleep.  

What I love: Realizing that the time is just ticking away.  I was talking to girls at work and we all said that it felt like just last week that I found out I was pregnant...I can't believe we are in week 34.  Time is flying.  Makes me understand how people look at their kids and say how time has flown by.

Emotions:  So, I have a strange pregnancy side effect.  It's reoccured my entire pregnancy and I haven't written about it but figured I should just to document it.   I don't even know how to put this without sounding super weird.  For the last 7-8 months I have had really really really sad thoughts about dogs.   These thoughts are accompanied by vivid visuals and it has happened probably 8-10 times at least.  I wrote about a terrible dream I had about our dog Bowden and his skin coming off, etc.  I woke up crying and totally upset by it for a couple of days.  That was the first or second time.  I had the same thing happen about him a few more times including the day we put him to sleep.  I relived the terrible moment we put him down in the vet's office and what I kept envisioning was the life leaving his eyes.   Then it was about my family dog growing up.  Then it was about a dog J and I saw killed in front of us on Valentines Day six years ago, then it was about my current dog, Wilson and seeing him be put to sleep in the future and then this week I have seen a large dead dog on the side of the highway on my way to work four days in a row.  It's unlike anything I have ever experienced.  My therapist is puzzled by it.  I wish it would stop happening.  It is so scary and sad.  I see something that reminds me of these things and vivid memories or visuals come and then I can't shake them.  I am usually minding my own business, not thinking of anything imparticular when a fleeting thought comes and takes over my emotions, it's happened on my way to work, ending in uncontrollable sobbing.  It happened on a run to the fabric store in the parking lot.  I hadn't even parked yet when I had to stop at a stop sign and clear my eyes and get myself together.  I am basically reliving any terrible time I had with a pet or other animal...from saying good bye, to putting them to sleep to seeing them get killed in front of me.  More so than the memories, it's the visuals which are so detailed that bothers me.  I feel like that kid that says "I see dead people".  I see dead dogs????  So, strange.  I'm really hoping this goes away after pregnancy.

Projects: We will be tackling Star's room this weekend.  I have said this the last few weeks but time is a tickin' and we gotta get moving.

Merry Christmas!

33 weeks - a bulleted update on vacation

The 33rd week has been an interesting week.  

• Flying was difficult and it was hard to sit for so long with a sore back.  I used heating patches for my back in an effort to help my left shoulder.  My Dr. had told me to get up and stretch mid-flight.  I got up once on our flight from Chicago to Ft. Myers but that didn't make my feet swell any less.  My feet were so swollen after we landed and I had sharp pains in my stomach.  That night I got great sleep.
• Shoulders, neck, hips and collar bones hurt from sleeping on both sides.  Using heating pads on a regular basis to help the pain under my shoulder blade.
• Feet have started swelling.  Toes resemble lil' smokies more and more. 
• Walked around the outlet mall yesterday and after three or so hours I was done.  My feet were killing me, I grew silent and couldn't think anymore.  It was fun to go into the kids stores we had never gone into before.  We are doing more shopping today.
• Using the bathroom constantly.  Around 5-6 times per night and I think I used the bathroom 5-6 times at the outlet mall.  Sometimes I think Star just nudges my bladder and gives me the urge to go even though I just went and don't really have to.  The strange thing about going so often is that when you have to go, YOU HAVE TO GO and then you go and there is hardly anything.
• Star is moving from side to side more now that she is running low on room and instead of kicks I am feeling her entire body squirm.  Her head is down and low.  
• I forgot to mention last week after the Dr. appt. that I have gained 18 pounds total so far which I am thrilled with.  I don't crave anything but milk.  Ice cream doesn't even thrill me but I have had a couple of small bowls full of Blue Bell Ice Cream since I have been down in Florida.
• My hips have started hurting and I have noticed that I waddle now.  I think it must be the relaxin that the body releases to help loosen the joints.  

It's been great being on vacation with my hubby.  He has been very helpful in helping me get comfortable when I can't seem to get comfortable.  A few more days to go...

32 week Dr. visit-----So we're confused...

 I met Jamie at the Dr.'s office for the ultrasound and appointment with Dr. B.  We had our ultrasound first and I have to say this ultrasound was less exciting than any of the others.  Star is so big you can't see much of her on the screen.  It paled in comparison to the 4D ultrasound, too.  So the ultrasound tech is measuring star's thigh bone, her abdomen and her head and apparently these measurements all go into a formula to determine weight of the baby and therefore the due date.  We were eager to know what the result was.  The ultrasound tech. told us the weight is 5 pounds 8 ounces...LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.... 

FIVE POUNDS EIGHT OUNCES

(Jamie just said that this puts us on pace for a line backer)

Okay, so I am a little surprised because my 32 week update this week said Star weighs just at or under 4 pounds.  My exact words to the UT were, "THAT'S A BIG BABY!"  I had all kinds of visuals.  So, we go to see Dr. B next and he looks at Star's ultrasound photos, says she looks great and then says...from the weight we have on her it looks like the due date will be January 20th.   LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN...

JANUARY 20TH

During our 20 week ultrasound, the Dr. predicted Star would be born February 16, 2 full weeks after her February 2 due date we got from the RE after IVF.   We now officially have a month wide window for Star to show her cute little (I mean big...but cute...) face.  Dr. B wants to do another ultrasound in January to see how she is measuring then.  He showed us her growth on a graph and while she was growing slower than average in the beginning, it now appears that she is growing above average making for a wonky graph.  Then I heard him say something about being a big baby, above the 7.5 pound average...whoa.

We discussed via cord with Dr. B and he said that it's quite expensive (Which we knew) to store the cord blood after baby and that so many people donate it so even if Star should have a problem there would be plenty of cord blood in our city to help her without the costs of storing monthly.  I like that.  We talked to him about traveling tomorrow and our trip to Florida and he highly recommended that we take our OB just in case anything should happen!  I got a good laugh out of that one.  I really love him.

One thing I did verify tonight is what has been poking out from under my rib cage.  For the last two days I have felt a big round ball protruding from under my rib cage.   It's Star's butt!  Her little bottom keeps sticking out!  Her head is officially down now and her butt is up.

 Well, that's it for now.  We're off to vacation land for  week.  I will try and update on my travel experiences.  7 hours of flying/airports should be interesting with a hurt back, shoulder and now neck.  I'm going to pack some heat patches and hopefully that will help.