Thursday, June 24, 2010

One year ago in my journey with infertility...and 8 week symptoms

Before I give an update I wanted to say that one year ago this week was a very painful part of my infertility journey.  My niece was born.  My brother and his wife found out they were expecting within a month of my PCOS diagnosis.  For 7 more months my infertility journey paralleled their pregnancy which was difficult for me.  While struggling with the impending due date I put unrealistic expectations on myself.  I told myself I would get pregnant by the time my niece was born.  I thought that if I could just get pregnant by this day I would feel happiness on a day that would otherwise be a sad reminder of what we were trying so hard for but couldn't have.  I was blinded by the sadness so much that I couldn't see the joy in it all.  My husbands birthday and Father's day were that same week and those were all the reasons I gave myself to get pregnant -  "What a great birthday gift to my husband that would be..."  "What a memorable Father's Day..."  "My niece's birth won't be so sad if I can just pregnant by then..."  

My brother called me at work on June 22nd and said his wife was in labor...I hung up and went about my day at work.  That night I went to dinner with J and the rest of his family while my family was at the hospital anticipating the arrival of a first grandchild.  I was in denial, acting as though it wasn't happening.  My plans of getting pregnant had not only not worked, but failed miserably, I was just beginning to realize how serious my problems were.   I sat at dinner, my mind was in a totally different place and I remember J's Mom asking me (not knowing about my niece's birth across town) if my sister in law was almost due.  I said something like "She's in labor now."  I couldn't believe I was sitting at dinner acting as though it wasn't happening, I still can't believe it but that's exactly how it happened.  I did go see her the following day.  I made myself go.  I didn't hold her, it was too painful but I went and I went to their home a couple of days later to see her again.  My brother was sad that I wasn't at the hospital when she was born, he asked why but he never held it against me and I think over the following year he started to understand as we struggled even harder to get pregnant.  One year later, my niece is a year old and I love her. 

And one year later...
I was pregnant on my niece's first birthday
I was pregnant for Jamie's birthday
I was pregnant for Father's day 

Everything I wanted so badly one year ago happened.   I know now that I needed to be patient.  Don't give up on your dreams ladies, it can happen and just the way you always imagined...but maybe a little later than you hoped.

I've been nauseous and trying to figure out how to live my day to day life feeling like I am tired and hung over.  In the morning I must have some form of bread right away or I get really sick feeling on my drive to work.  A couple of mornings ago I left feeling a little queasy so I carried some saltines with me in the car.  Various times during the day I start to feel what seems like stomach acid bubbling in my stomach and so I have to find crackers or bread of some sort quickly to make that feeling go away.  Gold fish crackers worked for a week and now I am sick of them, then it was saltines which I can't even look at anymore, English muffins used to work but the thought of an English muffin makes me want to hurl so I am now onto toast.  I keep telling Jamie I've never been so happy to feel so crappy. 

I'm still extremely tired all day, every day.  I told Jamie I didn't know how women have carried on full time jobs with symptoms like these in the past.  I've never put my head down at my desk before the last couple of weeks but I do now.  I am just plain exhausted.  I've been getting home around 5:30 and laying down for a half hour or so and then getting up to help with dinner or whatever I can help with. 

Jamie has been a dream. He's taken such good care of the house and me. Even some of the things around the house I usually do he has taken over. Shoe gathering for instance. We leave our shoes everywhere and every few days I would go around and gather them. He had them stacked going up the stairs yesterday-mine on one side and his on the other. I came home yesterday and the house had been cleaned which was so nice. The kitchen really needed cleaning which he did and that meant so much. I made sure to let him know and I thanked him a few times. I just don't have a ton of energy right now and he has really put forth the effort to make up for my slacking.

Many nights Jamie cooks dinner...he made a great turkey meat loaf  the other night and last night he made turkey burgers...the only problem I have is that a lot of the things we typically make for dinner make me want to gag when I smell them or even hear the word mentioned.  I managed to get down some turkey meatloaf a couple of nights ago but the burps afterwards were so bad I couldn't even think of having a turkey burger the next night.  Last weekend we went to lunch with J's Mom and I ordered what looked to me like the plainest thing on the menu-chicken strips and fries with gravy (not ketchup which I normally love).  Totally not something I would normally order but it tasted so good that I brought the left overs home.   Two hours later I opened the fridge and had to close it quickly while I bent over after smelling the chicken strips I had for lunch.  I asked Jamie to put them in a zip lock because they were making the entire fridge smell.  He was kind enough to do it but he said he couldn't smell anything.  There goes my keen sense of smell again!  I've been making a lot of plain things to eat....cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese and tomato soup, etc.  I get these strong desires for certain foods.  Today I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when the thought of pizza crust with red sauce came to my head.  No cheese or any toppings, crust and red sauce.  I was on a mission people!  I had to find pizza which is hard to do downtown St. Louis for some reason.  I ended up walking 3/4 mile to a pizza joint!  I got there and had my debit card in hand and ordered a plain cheese pizza and their machine was down!  I am not kidding I looked at the lady and said "Oh no, what do I do?"  She was going to give me the pizza but I insisted I would find an ATM which I did and returned quickly.  I ordered my pizza slice, half way nauseous by this time, sat down and peeled the cheese off and had the most glorious crust with red sauce I have ever tasted and walked back to work.  I've been eating some fruit lately - a lot of watermelon, cantaloupe and grapes which has been a nice change from what I was eating the last couple of weeks.  I can't even think of eating a vegetable right now and from what I read that is okay and even common during this time.  The book I am reading said to just eat fruit instead.  Thank goodness for this book because I have been feeling really guilty for neglecting my little star of the nutrients found in veggies.  I love veggies normally, this is really out of character for me.

Last night I got up to pee a total of six times!  I'm not sure why I pee'd so many times...I didn't chug water before bed or anything.  It's hard to fall back to sleep after getting up each time.  My last trip to the bathroom was at 4:30 this morning and I just laid awake after that, finally leaving for work at 6:00.  The difficult part about sleeping is juggling three pillows in bed.  I have one for my head, one for between my legs and one to hold around my chest....when I want to turn over...I have to flip all of my pillows.  I was researching pregnancy pillows yesterday and found one shaped like a U so you don't have to reposition pillows each time you flip over.  Sounds dreamy. Check this lady out!  This pillow had amazing ratings, the only complaint was that you had to have a king size bed because it's so huge!  The reviews said that while the husbands barely have enough room in bed when this pillow being used they like using it too.  Just waiting a few more weeks to order this puppy! 


Lorin said...

Looks like the pillow I just bought - which arrives next week on my birthday - happy birthday me! I can't wait for it to arrive.

Watermelon sounds so good right now. I brought all these different snacks to work today to get through the day - yogurt, granola, raisins, etc - and none of them are appealing at all right now. Its so weird what my body decides it wants!

Lori said...

You will LOVE the pillow!

Congrats on your sweet little miracle!!!

It's amazing how all of a sudden, your nose turns into a machine like you've never imagined--smelling things others can't even contemplate and being thrown for a loop just by THINKING of a smell!!!

Again, congrats!!!!
Lori ICLW 105

Priscilla said...

I wanted one of those pillows, but never got around to ordering'll have to let us know what you think....they look so comfy I might still get one even after my pregnancy. :)

subfertilefrugalista said...

Oh my gosh, that pillow cracks me up! It's like sleeping in a cloud!

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I can 100% understand you writing about a year ago. It's amazing and tough at the time, but when you look back, you're like "Oooh, THIS is the baby I've been waiting for!!" It certainly doesn't make the journey any easier, but the result is much, much sweeter!

I'm glad for your side bar with other pregnant ladies...I have been trying to find new pg blogs to read. I'm wishing you all the best and will look forward to reading more often!!

The Subfertile Frugalista

Mrs. Bushey said...

My step sister got pregnant the first month I took Clomid and my sister in law got pregnant the 2nd month I took Clomid. All I wanted was to be pregnant by their baby showers, it would be so much easier to go if I were. But I'm still not and my step sister is due the first week of July and my sister in law is due in August. I'm not sure how I will handle their births...but I KNOW there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Congrats on your pregnancy!! Happy ICLW!