I can't believe I am going to work before my 10:40 appointment. I think I will be pretty worthless. I am scared. I know J is scared as well. I keep imagining being in the ultrasound room waiting...waiting...waiting...to see or hear something. I am frightened of that silence, that moment between the time the scan starts until they say something.
A co-worker who is well aware of the process I have been through came to my desk this morning and said "One more day! How are you feeling?" I said "scared". She said "Why?" implying this was the exciting part. She has two kids, both naturally conceived. I know she means well, but she really has no clue what this means. Two good betas don't equal a heartbeat. An ultrasound doesn't mean there's a guaranteed baby for me like it may have for her. I told her that I haven't reached the end of the road in terms of worrying and that won't be for a few more weeks if tomorrow goes well. I am hopeful but not naive. I shared a story from a couple of bloggers and she said "Amber, you need to stay away from that blog." I didn't like this. No, no...actually I don't and I won't. Will being naive about the process make things better for me? Will being ignorant of real life situations of ladies like me make it better? I like knowing what could lay ahead whether it be good or bad. I know some would prefer to stick their head in the sand and some women say that blogging is too raw, too real for them and that it scares them. I can understand that and I think it's each individual woman's decision obviously but I would rather be scared like I am today and will be tomorrow than naive at any point. I think going into any point of this process naive is scarier than anything I have experienced so far.