Wednesday, June 16, 2010

First ultrasound tomorrow-thoughts

I can't believe I am going to work before my 10:40 appointment.  I think I will be pretty worthless.  I am scared.  I know J is scared as well.  I keep imagining being in the ultrasound room waiting...waiting...waiting...to see or hear something.  I am frightened of that silence, that moment between the time the scan starts until they say something. 

A co-worker who is well aware of the process I have been through came to my desk this morning and said "One more day!  How are you feeling?"  I said "scared".  She said "Why?"  implying this was the exciting part.  She has two kids, both naturally conceived.  I know she means well, but she really has no clue what this means.  Two good betas don't equal a heartbeat.  An ultrasound doesn't mean there's a guaranteed baby for me like it may have for her.  I told her that I haven't reached the end of the road in terms of worrying and that won't be for a few more weeks if tomorrow goes well.  I am hopeful but not naive.  I shared a story from a couple of bloggers and she said "Amber, you need to stay away from that blog."  I didn't like this.  No, no...actually I don't and I won't.  Will being naive about the process make things better for me?  Will being ignorant of real life situations of ladies like me make it better?  I like knowing what could lay ahead whether it be good or bad.  I know some would prefer to stick their head in the sand and some women say that blogging is too raw, too real for them and that it scares them.   I can understand that and I think it's each individual woman's decision obviously but I would rather be scared like I am today and will be tomorrow than naive at any point.  I think going into any point of this process naive is scarier than anything I have experienced so far.

8 comments:

K said...

I was worried about that moment while you wait for them to say something. The RE usually had the screen facing me, and I was so frantically looking at the screen that in that time, the RE ended the VERY brief silence with good news. I think the way we imagine and anticipate that wait isn't how it actually goes. I had a harder time with the wait to actual get the u/s started, but I also ended with good news. May you have a good appt tomorrow with a very short wait!

Katie said...

I am the same way, I like going into everything with my eyes WIDE open. I don't understand how people could stand to do otherwise. I'm glad you don't "stay away from that blog". Good luck tomorrow...good vibes being sent your way.

Allison said...

I don't think it's possible to go through IF and treatments (especially IVF) and also have the ability to put your head in the sand.

I mean, really. We're conditioned to learn because we get fed so much misinformation. Because it's our bodies, damnit. And blogs are fantastic BECAUSE they're the truth and so honest.

Worried and scared - yeah. I get it. But I wouldn't trade knowledge for ignorance ANY day.

I hope your scan is perfectly uneventful tomorrow. :)

Priscilla said...

I will pray for you that tomorrow is a joyful day and that you see a beautiful heartbeat or two!!! XOX

BabyWid said...

You have a right to worry! I worried all 38 weeks and 2 days of my pregnancy. You worry because you have no control of the whole situation!
You will be in my T&P's tomorrow!!

T said...

You are in my prayers. I hope the time flies by for you and 10:40 tomorrow arrives soon!

Auntie K said...

Tomorrow is going to be wonderful! Think positive! You guys have already overcome the hardest part and only good things will be coming your way. I'll be thinking of ya and checking like crazy for an update!

P.S. -- I just had my u/s on Monday and was a nervous wreck (actually still am ... it's only natural!!) but all went well and we got to see/hear the heartbeat! My acupuncturist said something to me that has stuck, "The body can be in only 1 of 2 places, growth or fear. Growth cannot occur if there is fear."

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

The Wolf's said...

I don't think others who haven't walked down the IF road will know how much worry that it has installed into us now. I'm praying for a strong heartbeat! I'm hoping your fear will make hearing the heartbeat that much more joyful!