I didn’t hear anything from our Doctor's office regarding our remaining embryos so I called the office yesterday and left a message. They were supposed to call me Monday but I didn't hear anything and then I didn't hear anything on Tuesday. I figured I would give them one more day. The nurse called me and apologized for the delay and said that she didn't have good news. She said that none of our other embryo's made it, there wouldn’t be any to freeze. I called J to tell him. We both shared our sadness and before hanging up he told me to keep my chin up. It all hit me really hard after we spoke. I was at work when I got the news and stepped into the ladies room to collect myself. Then I left to go home and had one of those drives where you turn off the radio and sit with your thoughts. I had a good cry.
We have no back up plan now. Our back up was our frozen embryos, a frozen cycle was included in the plan we chose. The thought of going through all of this again from the very beginning is daunting. The process is emotionally taxing and you become the process. I don't remember what it's like to exist as a couple with out infertility and I don't know what it's like to be married without infertility looming over our heads. I had hoped that this cycle would work and we would find some normalcy for once.
My mind keeps going to "What do we do now?" We are so early in our 2ww and I know we still have a chance but I can't help but wonder "What would we do?" How much money can we place towards IVF before it impacts our lives? At what point do you come up with another game plan? Why did our embryos fail? Is it my egg quality? Do we need to look at donor eggs? As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to schedule our WTF appointment with the Doctor now. I know that's the epitome of negative thinking but I tell you sometimes you just can't help it. It's where your mind goes when you aren't coaching it to think positive. The negative creeps in when you aren't expecting it and naturally you have thoughts and questions.
Of course, I still have hope riding on the two embryos inside of me but I have to be honest and say that when you find out that all of the other ten didn't make it your hope for the other two is lessened. I'm still doing what I can to eat all of the protein and vegetables I can. I've been looking for some of the symptoms that women in the 2ww have spoken of and so far there haven’t been any notable symptoms. I know this is the time when implantation happens and I so badly wish I felt something but I haven't felt anything. But then again I know some women have no symptoms and get a BFP. I'm still hanging onto hope. I’ve seen many accounts of women getting pregnant with no embryo’s to freeze. I keep thinking “That could be us.”