Thursday, May 20, 2010

5dp3dt - Bummer

I didn’t hear anything from our Doctor's office regarding our remaining embryos so I called the office yesterday and left a message. They were supposed to call me Monday but I didn't hear anything and then I didn't hear anything on Tuesday. I figured I would give them one more day. The nurse called me and apologized for the delay and said that she didn't have good news. She said that none of our other embryo's made it, there wouldn’t be any to freeze. I called J to tell him. We both shared our sadness and before hanging up he told me to keep my chin up. It all hit me really hard after we spoke. I was at work when I got the news and stepped into the ladies room to collect myself. Then I left to go home and had one of those drives where you turn off the radio and sit with your thoughts. I had a good cry.

We have no back up plan now. Our back up was our frozen embryos, a frozen cycle was included in the plan we chose. The thought of going through all of this again from the very beginning is daunting. The process is emotionally taxing and you become the process. I don't remember what it's like to exist as a couple with out infertility and I don't know what it's like to be married without infertility looming over our heads. I had hoped that this cycle would work and we would find some normalcy for once.

My mind keeps going to "What do we do now?" We are so early in our 2ww and I know we still have a chance but I can't help but wonder "What would we do?" How much money can we place towards IVF before it impacts our lives? At what point do you come up with another game plan? Why did our embryos fail? Is it my egg quality? Do we need to look at donor eggs? As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to schedule our WTF appointment with the Doctor now. I know that's the epitome of negative thinking but I tell you sometimes you just can't help it. It's where your mind goes when you aren't coaching it to think positive. The negative creeps in when you aren't expecting it and naturally you have thoughts and questions.

Of course, I still have hope riding on the two embryos inside of me but I have to be honest and say that when you find out that all of the other ten didn't make it your hope for the other two is lessened. I'm still doing what I can to eat all of the protein and vegetables I can. I've been looking for some of the symptoms that women in the 2ww have spoken of and so far there haven’t been any notable symptoms. I know this is the time when implantation happens and I so badly wish I felt something but I haven't felt anything. But then again I know some women have no symptoms and get a BFP. I'm still hanging onto hope. I’ve seen many accounts of women getting pregnant with no embryo’s to freeze. I keep thinking “That could be us.”

31 comments:

Priscilla said...

Oh Dear...I know exactly how you feel this morning!! Getting the news that there was nothing to freeze is really crushing....the worst thing you want to hear when you are trying to keep you head up really high. I have been through 2 fresh IVF cycles when that was our fate. The latest cycle we had 11 embryos and only transfered 2, so I was sure there would be a number to freeze...not the case, but I did get my BFP. I think some people just have embabies that are only happy in their mother's womb. It doesn't matter about egg quality or anything, they just don't like in the dish.

I have a lot of hope for you and those sweet little embies inside you now!!! I think about you all the time during this 2ww. HUGS!!!!

Keepontrying said...

That really sucks...sorry...

Try not to focus on the what if's - I know that's hard to do. Hang in there! I have a good feeling for your fresh cycle!

Julia said...

Big fat hugs from the Great North to you, Amber. Try to stay as positive as you can!

Alex said...

I am so incredibly sorry about your embryos. Just try to focus on those two little ones inside of you - they really do much better inside your body than in a petri dish!!!

Auntie K said...

Sorry Amber! It's not good news, but focus on the two inside of you! Stay positive and don't jump to conclusions. Big hugs!

Jessica said...

Sorry the other embies didn't make it!! I know it's hard to keep the hope alive so I will do it for you. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the two embies inside of you are snuggling in for a long stay!!

Vanilla Bean said...

I am so sorry to heart that, Amber. Don't give up hope, yet! I am praying the two inside you make it.

I can't imagine how mentally and physically exhausting IVF must be. My DH isn't working full time right now, so that has put any more IUI or IVF or adoption plans. Which, I hate to admit, is a relief for us. While it might not seem like it all the time, there are others out there who feel your pain! We are all rooting for you.

Katie said...

Focus on the two inside you! It only takes one...

I'm so sorry and I know what you are going though. Do as your DH says though...keep your chin up! Hope is a good thing! :)

LCP said...

I am so sorry. The same happened to us after we had 22 successfully fertilize and none of them made it. It was heartbreaking thinking of what could have been. I ended up getting pregnant with an IUI, 8 mature eggs and only 1 baby, so it can happen! Had all the eggs been good quality, I could have been the next octomom ;-). Everything happens for a reason. Keep the hope alive for your little ones you have onboard.

nge said...

I'm so sorry for your news. We will get through this! CHINS UP (for all of us)! XOXOXO

Melissa said...

I'm sorry, Amber. I still have hope for you, though! It seems like you've had a really positive, successful cycle aside from this! AND, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I had 1 frozen embryo, yet the 2 inside me did not make it. So, just because you have embryos that make it to freeze, still doesn't guarantee success with the fresh embies. I don't know if I got my point across, but my point was -- frozen embryos and fresh embryos are not mutually exclusive. There seems to be an exception to every "rule" with IVF. Don't give up on those two -- they are snuggling in to their mama -- just keep doing those great visualization techniques you and J have been doing!

Ana K. said...

Hi Amber- I came across your blog via "adventures in infertility". I am also on my 2nd IVF round. I am actually a day behind you- my transfer was May 16. And I like you had nothing left to freeze. Take care and hope you 2ww goes by fast. Good Luck.- Ana

Sooz said...

I know it's hard to be optimistic, but there's still so much hope. If it makes things any better, very, very few people actually get frozen embryos. I know it seems like everyone on the internet has frozen embys, but that's not the case. I don't the actual stats are but it's not that prevalent.

Don't lose hope!!!

Baby On Mind said...

I'm so sorry you don't have any snowbabies. It's so hard. But don't give up hope. Focus on the ones you have inside you now. Thinking of you!

Katie said...

Ended up here from ICLW list and was really touched by your post. I hope that you have two little miracles in there just about ready to hang on.

Staying positive is the hardest part of this whole thing and probably the most important part. I wish there was a magic pill (or suppository!) we could take.

But your husband was right, chin up. And good luck.

daega99 said...

Hugs to you! The same thing happend to us last summer - we transferred 2 and the other 10 didn't make it so we had no frosties and no back-up plan. My mom told me to concentrate on the two that were transferred and think about the rest of it later. It was good advice!

ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

daega99 said...

Hugs to you! The same thing happend to us last summer - we transferred 2 and the other 10 didn't make it so we had no frosties and no back-up plan. My mom told me to concentrate on the two that were transferred and think about the rest of it later. It was good advice!

ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

Rach said...

I hope this cycle is the one for you, as for a back up plan, worry about it IF you have to...you could be about to become a Mumma!

Happy ICLW!!
#40 http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/

Missy said...

I can only imagine how sad and frustrating that would feel. I do think they would have transferred the highest quality embryos, so that could give you some hope that the ones they transferred are different than the others.

Krissi said...

Wow! I wish you all the best. The 2ww is excrutiating especially after an IVF..I have been there! Perhaps the 2 inside will end up giving you twins!! ;-) Happy ICLW!! (#94) I will check back in!

Niki said...

I am sorry about your other embryos. I am crossing my fingers the others get a chance to grow inside you. Sending you {{HUGS}}

Happy ICLW!(#64)

Heather said...

Best wishes on your cycle. The TWW for me was the hardest part of IVF. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Take care.

ICLW

Patricia said...

I'm visiting for ICLW and was sad to hear your news. But I really hope that you have two growing inside you right now. I know searching for symptoms can be so consuming. I do it every month! As for finding a back up plan....try to push it to the back of your mind until you see what happens. Take care ((Hugs))

junebug said...

((Hugs)) I'm sending good luck vibes your way.
ICLW

Krissi said...

I'm back and still waiting to hear some more news! I also just wanted to tell you that I featured your blog tonight!! Come by to check it out!! Here's the link: http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com/2010/05/25/lovin-amber/

Melissa said...

I keep checking back everyday, thinking that maybe you'll post early about POAS?! I can't wait to hear the GOOD news Friday!!!! I hope you are hanging in there. You are a much stronger woman than I for not POAS if you haven't already!

The Infertility Doula said...

The 2ww is the toughest. I always hated that time. Wrote about it on my blog. I think we can all relate to the emotional vacillation. I hope you woke up this morning to a BFP. Fingers crossed!

Allison said...

Just wanted to let you know that the intraweb is full of people who are rooting for you today. Hope today brings (or brought!) fantastic news!!

Jessica said...

Thinking of you today!!

K said...

Thinking of you and hoping that you wont need a back up plan!!!

christine said...

Looking forward to an update from you! Hoping you will have excellent news to share!

ICLW #81