5dp3dt - Bummer

I didn’t hear anything from our Doctor's office regarding our remaining embryos so I called the office yesterday and left a message. They were supposed to call me Monday but I didn't hear anything and then I didn't hear anything on Tuesday. I figured I would give them one more day. The nurse called me and apologized for the delay and said that she didn't have good news. She said that none of our other embryo's made it, there wouldn’t be any to freeze. I called J to tell him. We both shared our sadness and before hanging up he told me to keep my chin up. It all hit me really hard after we spoke. I was at work when I got the news and stepped into the ladies room to collect myself. Then I left to go home and had one of those drives where you turn off the radio and sit with your thoughts. I had a good cry.

We have no back up plan now. Our back up was our frozen embryos, a frozen cycle was included in the plan we chose. The thought of going through all of this again from the very beginning is daunting. The process is emotionally taxing and you become the process. I don't remember what it's like to exist as a couple with out infertility and I don't know what it's like to be married without infertility looming over our heads. I had hoped that this cycle would work and we would find some normalcy for once.

My mind keeps going to "What do we do now?" We are so early in our 2ww and I know we still have a chance but I can't help but wonder "What would we do?" How much money can we place towards IVF before it impacts our lives? At what point do you come up with another game plan? Why did our embryos fail? Is it my egg quality? Do we need to look at donor eggs? As silly as it sounds, part of me wants to schedule our WTF appointment with the Doctor now. I know that's the epitome of negative thinking but I tell you sometimes you just can't help it. It's where your mind goes when you aren't coaching it to think positive. The negative creeps in when you aren't expecting it and naturally you have thoughts and questions.

Of course, I still have hope riding on the two embryos inside of me but I have to be honest and say that when you find out that all of the other ten didn't make it your hope for the other two is lessened. I'm still doing what I can to eat all of the protein and vegetables I can. I've been looking for some of the symptoms that women in the 2ww have spoken of and so far there haven’t been any notable symptoms. I know this is the time when implantation happens and I so badly wish I felt something but I haven't felt anything. But then again I know some women have no symptoms and get a BFP. I'm still hanging onto hope. I’ve seen many accounts of women getting pregnant with no embryo’s to freeze. I keep thinking “That could be us.”

4dp3dt-You have my express written consent.

I haven't been blogging the last few days as I am trying not to obsess so I apologize for not commenting but I did want to stop by long enough to make a suggestion. 

A few months ago I was watching the show "Dirty Jobs" on Discovery Channel and was intrigued when I saw a Cow with a window in her stomach!  Yes, a window.  Scientists were able to make a little portal and see how the cow's food was being processed.  Someone would feed her, she would swallow and a few seconds later the grains would come pouring into her stomach. 

Here are a couple of pictures from A window into the world of a cow's stomach

Here she is with her portal plugged, kinda like your kitchen sink...

And here is a lady reaching into the portal to get a feel for

what's happening inside of this cow's stomach...

Why am I writing about this?  Well, I would like to give my express written consent for this same portal to be placed in my stomach so I can KNOW WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN THERE!!!!!  Hook that portal right into my uterus and fill me in on what's happening!  This should come with the cost of IVF.  1st-egg retrieval, 2nd-embryo transfer, 3rd-portal surgically installed. 

I'm going crazy people!  I hate surprises, I hate waiting in anticipation, I hate worrying, I got a cold sore this morning from the stress of all of this.  I hate cold sores.  I want a portal installed in my stomach, STAT!

Thank you.

1dp3dt-Pics of our embies and a timeline

Here they are!  I'm not sure what to think when I look at these images but it's neat to have them.  I've propped them up so I can see them while on couch rest.  Speaking of couch rest...my body hurts from laying around so long.  I'm taking tomorrow off of work but I think I will be back Tuesday.  For those who haven't seen a timeline for post three day transfer I am pasting one below.  I hope our embryos are still growing and developing, it's so nerve racking not knowing what's going on in there.  I am actually feeling better today.  I think things from the ER are finally healing up.  :)

Timeline for post 3dt:

1dpt...Embryo is growing and developing

2dpt...Embryo is now a blastocyst

3dpt...Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day

4dpt...Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

5dpt...Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

6dpt...Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

7dpt...Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops

10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops

11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Here are a couple of interesting images I found related to the timeline above:

A hatching blastocyst

3 Day Transfer today!

If you read my last post you know that I was up early this morning waiting for the call from the Dr.'s office to find out if we would be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.  Jamie answered the phone and I heard "okay, we'll see you in a little bit".  I was worried that the embies may not have shown the embryologist their full potential in this short time frame and had some concerns but after my normally pessimistic husband shed some positive light on the whole thing I felt better.  I showered and got dressed.  Jamie was so sweet to fill my water jug, make me oatmeal with walnuts (supposed to help with implantation) and bananas and a protein shake.  He even laid out all of my vitamins and pills.   It wasn't long before we were off.  The nurses had told me to start drinking water 45 minutes ahead of time but I had read too many accounts of girls in so much pain that I decided to start about 30 minutes ahead and I paced myself.  They had suggested 20-32 ounces of water before we arrived and I stopped at 15 ounces.  Sure enough, with the protein shake and water my bladder was full. 

We arrived at the Dr.'s office and waited in the waiting room for 10 minutes or so and when the nurse greeted me she asked how I was and all I could say is "I have to pee".  She let me relieve my bladder partially after she showed us to our room and had us both change into gowns.  Relieving my full bladder felt AMAZING.  In fact, it felt so good that once I started it was hard to stop, she told me not to go crazy.  I walked back to our room and it wasn't long before the Dr. was in.  She showed us a picture of our two embryos.  They were both 7 cell embryos with less than 5% fragmentation.  These were the front runners even though there was a 9 cell-it had more fragmentation.

Next, we were off to the transfer room which was a dark operating room.  I laid down, Jamie sat next to me.  The Dr. got everything into position-speculum and catheter.  I verified my name when a nurse brought in a petri-dish, we all stared at the ultrasound screen while we watched Dr. K point the catheter in just the right place in my uterus and the two embryos were transferred.  There, in the middle of my uterus on a fuzzy ultrasound screen was a bright glow, our embryos.  Jamie rubbed my arm and then grabbed my hand once we got closer to the moment and when I looked back at his face once the transfer was complete he was red and he had tears in his eyes.  I looked back once more and he had his head down.  That summed it up, all of our hard work, our many appointments, all of those injections, vitamins and pills were for this one little magical moment we had been waiting for.  The embryos sat in the brightest spot on the screen in a little air pocket in my uterus, it was done. 

I was wheeled back into our room where I rested 30 minutes.  I finally got up to use the bathroom and while I was in the bathroom J must have asked if there was anyway to know if our embryos were ICSI or non-ICSI.  They were both ICSI.  No matter to me, if the embryologist felt they were the best then so did I.  We agreed to freeze any remaining embryos and signed.  Then we were on our way home.

I've been on couch rest all day.  J has been so sweet and has really gone out of his way to make sure that I have anything I need.  His Mom, Nancy, also had sent the most beautiful sunflowers to the house which were on our back porch by the time we came home and she later brought over a bed tray where I am typing now.  We showed her a picture of her "Grandbryos" as Jamie called them earlier. 

I am still sore from the egg retrieval.  It amazes me that I feel the same today that I did on Wednesday, no improvement what so ever.  I am hoping this bed rest will help me heal and I hope the pain is not affecting the embryos. 

A couple pictures of Jamie to close with.  He looked like a blue haired Ronald McDonald in his hat and gown.  I was laughing so hard as I took these pictures and was so afraid the nurse would hear me laughing and walk in as only a curtain separated us from the nurses!

TORTURE I tell you!

6:22 AM- This is going to be a long post.  It's Saturday morning and I am nervously anticipating word on our transfer. Torture.  I've been up since 1:15 this morning.

Someone from the Dr.'s office is supposed to be calling us between 7:30 and 8:00 this morning.  They will tell us to either come in for a 9:20 (day 3)  transfer they scheduled for us yesterday or they will tell us to wait for Monday (day 5).  It all depends on what the Embryologist finds when he/she opens the incubator for the first time since Thursday.  Talk about torture.  UGH!!!

I haven't slept well in days.  I am a stomach sleeper and since my ladyville is all painful I've been forced to sleep on my back.  I can't find a position that makes me comfortable and sleeping on my side would normally seem like a good compromise but it hurts as well.  I've been getting up hourly to pee as well.  It hurts when my bladder gets full.  I have to nearly roll out of bed multiple times a night and I wince in pain each time.  I don't remember ever reading that there was this much pain or discomfort after ER. 

I gave my cell phone to Jamie so he could answer it.  I am too nervous to talk to any nurses.

6:35 AM- I've been thinking of our embryos so much over the last day especially.  I was up multiple times last night talking to them and telling them to be strong.  I have been visualizing cell division.  I always felt that if we could get to the point where our egg and sperm would have the opportunity to be together they would do well.

6:42 AM-What the heck am I going to do with myself for 45 minutes or more?  AHH!

6:49 AM- It just occurred to me that I could be P.U.P.O. (pregnant until proven otherwise) today!  Holy cow!!!!!!!

6:56 AM- I was just reminded of my Progesterone in Oil shot when I stood up.  J gave it to me in my thigh last night.  That'll be the last time he gives it to me in my leg.  YOWZA!!!!  The needle is huge to begin with and at least in the hip I can't see the shot.  I looked at my leg last night to see if he had removed the needle at one point and the needle was just sitting in there like a dart!!!! J wasn't even touching it!  Never again.

7:05 AM- Checked facebook, everything looks good there.  Emailed MIL.  Watching the Today show.  That BP oil spill in the Gulf pisses me off!

7:16 AM- I wonder what pictures are on this computer?

7:18 AM- Awe, a couple of puppy pictures of Wilson.  :)

The day we brought Wilson home...

One of my favorites.  

Wilson last summer at the St. Louis City Park.

  Okay, I guess I better go sit next to Jamie and wait for the phone call.  They said last week they would call between 7 and 8 although yesterday they said between 7:30 and 8:00.

7:25 AM- 3 day transfer!!!!!!!   Today is the day!!!!!!  Better get showered I have a date with my embies!

Update-Life

I probably shouldn't have gone to work yesterday, the day after my egg retrieval.  I was very sore last night and I was back at work today and am still sore.  I plan on resting when I get home today at noon and staying in the horizontal position until tomorrow morning at least.  I am thrilled to have more paid time off to spend on bed rest next week because I came in this week however, I want my body to recover as much as possible before the transfer.

My poor husband is stressed and that is stressing me out.  He actually said last night "my plate is over flowing".  Family, work and infertility are taking their toll.  Poor guy.  It's so frustrating not being able to take some of his stresses away for him.  It's stresses me out just knowing he is so stressed.

No updates on the embies today which makes me nervous and sad as I love to hear about them.  I was talking to J about it last night and I started growing more concerned the more I thought about the fertilization and ICSI.  I was so happy to hear that 5 of 5 fertilized with ICSI but then started worrying.  Do they become fertilized once the sperm is inside because if so of course they fertilized.  5 of 5 didn't seem so great then.  I read up on it this morning and feel better.  I still wish I knew what they were doing.  I drove by the hospital the embies are at on my way to work again today and forgot to send good thoughts their way.  I will do so on the way home.  Yesterday I thought of them a lot.

Last night at dinner I was part of a great conversation with J's family.  Really, I listened in but loved every second.  Dinner was over and J's Grandma, his Dad and Step-Mother hung around after some others left and J gave a report on our embies.  This got the conversation started on grandchildren and love.  They were all telling us that your heart grows and accepts all new children and there is room for all of them.  J's Grandma said that the heart is so amazing because it can grow to fit as many people as it needs inside.  J's Dad said something I will never forget.  He was talking about how he didn't think he could love his second grandchild as much as his first and then she was born and he found out he was wrong.  He then said, "I'm ready for another one.  I am.  I'm ready."  This made my heart melt.  I have a soft spot in my heart for J's dad because he looks so much like J and they act so much alike.  We have become even closer on this infertility journey.  I get a lot of pats on the back and one arm hugs.  I hope this cycle will provide the next grandchild for him.  We're ready as well.

J and his Dad at our wedding.  December 2008. 

Fertilization Report :)

I got the call from the nurse at 12:15 with our fertilization report.  I was so nervous.  She asked how I was feeling and wanted to know if I was drinking all of my fluids, etc.  I wanted to say "Get to it lady"!  UGH!  I have never been so nervous and filled with such anticipation in my life!  So here it goes.  She said that out of the 12 eggs, 11 were mature!  Only one was too immature to make it.  That's a pretty great ratio!  That relieved some of my fear.  Then she reminded me that they were doing partial ICSI and injected 5 of those 11 eggs with sperm.  All five fertilized!!!!  Then she said the remaining 6 will be fertilized conventionally where they will place one egg with multiple sperm and see what happens.  2 of those have fertilized so far!  I think that's pretty good for overnight and for fertilizing all by themselves!  So far we have 7 embryos incubating.  They were placed back in the incubator this morning and they won't be taken out again until Saturday morning.  At that time we will be given instructions between 7-8 AM, they will either tell us to come in and have them transfered that day or to plan on a fifth day transfer which would be Monday.  I am hoping for a five day transfer, just because the Dr. explained that the embryologist will get to observe the embryos longer and look at cell division to tell which ones are doing better and then decide which to transfer.  Oh my gosh, this is the most hope I have had in so long.  I can't believe we have embryos.  My heart is overflowing with love for these little guys already.  I passed our hospital this morning on my way to work and sent good thoughts in their direction and said a little prayer.  I hope they continue to grow and thrive. 

Here is a little helpful information regarding embryo cell division:

Day 0: Eggs are retrieved and combined with retrieved sperm


Day 1: Physician will check for fertilization

Day 2: Embryo should be fertilized and have 4 cells

Day 3: Embryo should now have 8 cells

Day 4: Embryo is now in morula stage and ready for embryo transfer

Day 5: Blastocyst stage of development

For more charts like this one and more information on embryos visit http://www.advancedfertility.com/