Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Finding out I had PCOS and deciding who to tell & not to tell...

I found out I had PCOS in Jan. 2009. Jamie and I wanted to get started trying have a family right after we were married so I scheduled a pre-conception check up only a couple weeks after our honeymoon. Dr. Z asked me if I had ever heard of PCOS. My response was no. She let me know that I needed to find an OB GYN that was familiar with PCOS and that I needed to google PCOS when I had a moment. She wrote me a prescription for Metformin and off I went. Of course, I left the Doctor's office and immediately called Jamie with the news that I had PCOS (although I couldn't offer more information), I went to work and googled it. I was overwhelmed with what I read. Message board after message board, blog after blog, website after website of women having difficulty getting pregnant, women who had tried for 2, 5, 9 YEARS to get pregnant. I became discouraged with in an hour.

I immediately wanted to talk to someone who had gone through what I feared I may go through. Infertility. Cindy, a lady I work with, had told me a few months ago that she was unable to have children when she tried many years ago due to endomitriosis. She was sitting upstairs in the library at a table, I could see her from my desk. I walked up to her, sat down and she asked where I had been that morning. I told her I was at the Doctor, she said "Your pregnant!?!" Tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "I just found out I may have trouble getting pregnant". I dropped my head and sobbed, covering my face and Cindy put her arm around me and said "There is so much that can be done". Her arm hugged me so tightly I could feel that she knew exactly what I was going through. C has been a person I can go to when I find out I have to have a new procedure or start a new medicine because she has been there. She's able to tell me, "ehh, it's not that bad-here's what to expect...". It feels so good to talk to someone who has been through it, even if her struggles were different than my own. So, Cindy was the first person I told outside of Jamie or my mom. Slowly, over a few months, I mentioned it to a few more female co-workers who I knew I could confide in. I told my brother. I told Lisa, our friend, who had been asking when we would get started having kids-I couldn't put the question off anymore so in the middle of a concert I just laid it out there.

Anyway... who to tell that you have fertility issues and who not to...
I struggle with this daily. Though I am a private person, I am an open book to those I trust. I will tell all and I have no problems with it. But to those I don't know well or don't know if I can trust, I say nothing. Some people I don't tell out of embarrassment, some I don't tell for fear that they may find joy in my sadness (only a one or two people), some I don't tell because they are happy and pregnant with their own child. Why ruin their joy with news of my struggle? It's exhausting to try and remember who knows what, who doesn't know at all, who has been updated on the latest and who hasn't.

Recently I have come to the conclusion that I don't care who knows-it's just time to follow our dreams and do what we have to do to make a family. In fact, part of me wants to put it out on facebook and let everyone of my friends, former classmates, co-workers and family members know so I can get it over with(okay, I won't go that far but you get the idea). I'm ready to move on from being embarrassed or feeling like less of a person because I have to undergo treatment.

I hope this blog will help, I hope to direct people here to my corner of the Internet and write about my struggles and achievements.

No comments: