Monday, September 28, 2009

Is this really happening?

There are days when I say to myself "I can't believe that infertility is actually my reality"

Over the last few weeks I keep going over a conversation I had with my hair dresser back in April. Jamie and I were just about to start clomid and embark on a southern Caribbean cruise, I was very excited. Kena and I got to talking about how infertility really sucks and I told her that I had feared for many many years that I would have problems getting pregnant. Oddly enough this is something I thought of on and off while in my twenties. It is really crazy that my worries have become reality.

My doubts about conceiving stemmed from bladder problems I had as a child. I was a bed wetter for many years, it runs in my family. I was on medication for years and went to see specialists repeatedly and had a procedure at some point during my childhood. The bladder problems, I am sure, probably have nothing to do with my infertility but it put the doubt in my head. Then as a teenager my menstrual cycles were always between 30 - 60 days apart. At the time I didn't realize this was a problem. Every Doctor I talked to said it wasn't a big deal, but now I know that was a symptom of my PCOS. Anyway, I knew that the length of my cycles were not normal and that created more doubts.

About two years ago, my friends and co-workers started having children. What's funny is that the more friends and co-workers that had babies, the more I felt my odds of having infertility problems were more likely. I mean if everyone around me could have a baby then I was sure to be the statistic, right? I guess I never really said it out loud but it was a fear I had. I remember telling Jamie before my first Dr's appointment that I thought I would have problems having children and voila, here I am. we are. I feel like eight months is remarkable time to have come to IVF, it saddens me that it may take such a drastic measure on one hand but on the other I am glad I have been persistent enough with Dr.'s visits to be where we are.

Anyway, I haven't shared this until now. This seems like an appropriate place to get it out in the open. But this "feeling" I have carried for years is what has kept me motivated over the last few months. My instincts have said all along, something is wrong. So now, I can only be proactive in treating my infertility.

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