Monday, October 26, 2009


So, we moved into the house on Friday and Jamie left yesterday for the first of three consecutive weeks of training in other states.  I hate it when he leaves.  I dread it. I find it so lonely that I go to bed early and drag myself out of bed.  Last night I went to bed at 7:00.  I watched TV until 9:00 and went to sleep.   My alarm went off at 6:00 this morning and it was Wilson that woke me up after I snoozed for 20 minutes.  He stands on my side of the bed and snorts in my ear.  The picture to the left is a pic I took of Wilson last night on the bed to send to Jamie.  I know, he shouldn't be on the bed, but how do you say no to that face?

So, it's very lonely at the house.  These are the times I hate being alone because my mind wanders.  We went to First Watch for breakfast yesterday morning which is baby and "cute-pregnant lady" central.  I won't be going back there anytime soon.  It hurts my heart just seeing a pregnant lady and I saw three.  The happy and proud husband kills me too as I sit with my husband that looks on with envy.  It's sad.  I think, "will this EVER be our fate"?  I just wish I knew.  I sat in the corner of the restaurant facing the restaurant and J sat facing myself and the wall.  I've realized that I sit there and hope he doesn't see the baby or pregnant women because I don't want his heart to feel what mine feels.  I often wonder if he even notices but after leaving yesterday and seeing a fourth pregnant woman outside, I said something like "Geez, pregnant ladies everywhere" and he acknowledged he felt the same.  It makes me sad when I realize he notices these things too.  I want to carry all of the pain on my own shoulders since it's me that put us in this situation to begin with. 

Anyway, J left for the airport a few hours later and the silence in the house is the perfect recipe for letting my mind wander and think about my infertility.  I think it would be better if we were trying but how can we with J out of town and our insurance in limbo with his job transition.  I don't know, I just feel really down and depressed with out him here.  It's the lowest I have felt in a while and this is day one of three weeks alone. 

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