So, we moved into the house on Friday and Jamie left yesterday for the first of three consecutive weeks of training in other states. I hate it when he leaves. I dread it. I find it so lonely that I go to bed early and drag myself out of bed. Last night I went to bed at 7:00. I watched TV until 9:00 and went to sleep. My alarm went off at 6:00 this morning and it was Wilson that woke me up after I snoozed for 20 minutes. He stands on my side of the bed and snorts in my ear. The picture to the left is a pic I took of Wilson last night on the bed to send to Jamie. I know, he shouldn't be on the bed, but how do you say no to that face?
So, it's very lonely at the house. These are the times I hate being alone because my mind wanders. We went to First Watch for breakfast yesterday morning which is baby and "cute-pregnant lady" central. I won't be going back there anytime soon. It hurts my heart just seeing a pregnant lady and I saw three. The happy and proud husband kills me too as I sit with my husband that looks on with envy. It's sad. I think, "will this EVER be our fate"? I just wish I knew. I sat in the corner of the restaurant facing the restaurant and J sat facing myself and the wall. I've realized that I sit there and hope he doesn't see the baby or pregnant women because I don't want his heart to feel what mine feels. I often wonder if he even notices but after leaving yesterday and seeing a fourth pregnant woman outside, I said something like "Geez, pregnant ladies everywhere" and he acknowledged he felt the same. It makes me sad when I realize he notices these things too. I want to carry all of the pain on my own shoulders since it's me that put us in this situation to begin with.
Anyway, J left for the airport a few hours later and the silence in the house is the perfect recipe for letting my mind wander and think about my infertility. I think it would be better if we were trying but how can we with J out of town and our insurance in limbo with his job transition. I don't know, I just feel really down and depressed with out him here. It's the lowest I have felt in a while and this is day one of three weeks alone.