I was just sitting at work thinking about my husband and how I miss him. I was recalling a conversation I had with him about a fellow infertile blogger's recent post. I told him about how she gave into a couple of glasses of wine one night and started talking with her husband about how maybe all of this having a baby stuff is for the birds and what they should really be doing is saving for an early retirement, moving into a smaller house fit for just the two of them and planning on traveling the world after their early retirement. As I told J about this post he kind of nodded his head like, well, they have a good point, nodding as if maybe we should consider the same, like it was sound advice. The end of the blog story went on to say about how she sobered up the next day and voila she was right back to trying for a baby.
I've thought about this post a few times since reading it last week and it occured to me a few minutes ago while thinking of my husband...I am content. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have children. But, if the future held early retirement for me and traveling the world with J, I would be okay with that.
I am in a happy place in life right now. Sure I have my sad moments/days (like my last post) but other than infertility I am fortunate. I have a great job, I am loving being an Interior Designer. I love my projects. It's little paperwork and mostly designing. I had doubts of whether or not I would like being an Interior Designer after college, but it's growing on me. I love our new house, I love having countless projects ahead of us that will create our idea of a perfect home. I love my husband and I realize now that he is out of town going on four days with two more weeks left to travel...that I will be okay as long as I have him. Since he has left town it's not a baby I am missing but J, my world. I can safely say that after 8 years I still race home after work to be with him. Look foward to my weekends to spend time with him and long to be with him when he is gone.
After I found out I would most likely have fertility problems back in January of this year Jamie had a card waiting for me on the counter at home...It had a cat on the front of the card with it's arm in a gauze sling and a gauze bandage on it's head and it read "If this situation has you thinking four-letter words...here are some you may want to add to the list-HOPE and HUGS." His message read on the inside: "A, Keep your chin up. Whatever the future holds, we will face it together, always remember that I love you. Love J" There are many things I hope to achieve in life but marrying J was my biggest achievment yet...whatever the outcome is for us, whatever life holds, I know I will be okay.
So, we moved into the house on Friday and Jamie left yesterday for the first of three consecutive weeks of training in other states. I hate it when he leaves. I dread it. I find it so lonely that I go to bed early and drag myself out of bed. Last night I went to bed at 7:00. I watched TV until 9:00 and went to sleep. My alarm went off at 6:00 this morning and it was Wilson that woke me up after I snoozed for 20 minutes. He stands on my side of the bed and snorts in my ear. The picture to the left is a pic I took of Wilson last night on the bed to send to Jamie. I know, he shouldn't be on the bed, but how do you say no to that face?
So, it's very lonely at the house. These are the times I hate being alone because my mind wanders. We went to First Watch for breakfast yesterday morning which is baby and "cute-pregnant lady" central. I won't be going back there anytime soon. It hurts my heart just seeing a pregnant lady and I saw three. The happy and proud husband kills me too as I sit with my husband that looks on with envy. It's sad. I think, "will this EVER be our fate"? I just wish I knew. I sat in the corner of the restaurant facing the restaurant and J sat facing myself and the wall. I've realized that I sit there and hope he doesn't see the baby or pregnant women because I don't want his heart to feel what mine feels. I often wonder if he even notices but after leaving yesterday and seeing a fourth pregnant woman outside, I said something like "Geez, pregnant ladies everywhere" and he acknowledged he felt the same. It makes me sad when I realize he notices these things too. I want to carry all of the pain on my own shoulders since it's me that put us in this situation to begin with.
Anyway, J left for the airport a few hours later and the silence in the house is the perfect recipe for letting my mind wander and think about my infertility. I think it would be better if we were trying but how can we with J out of town and our insurance in limbo with his job transition. I don't know, I just feel really down and depressed with out him here. It's the lowest I have felt in a while and this is day one of three weeks alone.
After 8 years at his previous employer Jamie has decided to take a new job. I am very happy for Jamie. I keep telling him how proud I am of him and that he can do anything. I have called Nordstrom to get him a nice Faconnable shirt I think he will like it. He loves blue. I swear 90% of his closet is blue! I plan on giving it to him tomorrow night - his last day at work and the night before we move into our new home. This is quite a week for us. I am so happy for him. He is so smart and the most important thing in my life and it means the world to me that he is happy.
I am dreading the next three weeks as Jamie will be traveling all three weeks for training, but coming home on the weekends. My friends are all out of state and I hate being alone. I am worried about feeling really alone in a new big house and just feeling overwhelmed at the boxes that will be surrounding me. There is one good thing...since we aren't actively TTC J being out of town won't be an issue. A couple of months ago we were trying and I was in New Orleans. We actually contemplated flying J down to New Orleans for a night or two! :)
Well, Jamie and I met with Dr. Ahlering yesterday. So far of the three RE's we have met with he is my favorite.
All of the tests I have had so far include blood work and an HSG (xray where they insert contrast dye into your uterus so that an xray can be taken of the dye spilling through your ovaries which shows if your tubes are open or not).The results of the HSG came back saying that I have slight tubal damage and one of my tubes is dilated but nothing further has been done to look into this. I know there are a few more tests that could be run and haven't been and that leaves me quite confused. How can we take such a drastic step as IVF when we don't have all of the answers? First, I still want to know what inside of me isn't working like it should.
Dr. Keller said she would like to do a laproscopy and look at my tubes and ovaries, etc. to rule out or find problems but it was an elective surgery. How can a surgery that could give further explanation of a medical problem be elective? I really struggled with this. Dr. Ahlering agreed with me. He said why do an HSG to find out if your tubes are okay if you aren't going to look further into the problem once you find it? AMEN! This man is speaking my language. He wanted to run some more tests. Thank goodness I thought. Finally someone who wants to do the leg work and try and find more answers for us rather than throwing IVF at us. And for the record, Dr. Ahlering mostly agreed with Dr. Silber in saying that Metformin will only help those that have Insulin Resistance increase their odds at having a baby. So I am staying off of it.
Now, this is the difficult part...we have seen three Doctor's. I really favor Dr. Ahlering. But there is only two outcomes to the testing he will do-if he finds problems we do IVF or if he doesn't see any problems with further testing it's IUI. Jamie and I can take all of the tests, bloodwork, etc and find out more answers-but in the end there are still only two possibilities for us when it comes to having a child- IVF or IUI. As Jamie pointed out, when there are only two possible outcomes and you know the odds of the IVF are double of the IUI-does the further testing really matter? Wow, I guess not.
We will probably do some more blood work and Jamie will do a DNA Fragmentation test but beyond that I doubt we will do the laproscopy. Right now, we are in a sticky situation. Jamie is changing jobs in a week so our insurance will be in limbo. We have to see what his new insurance covers and part of our decision may be based on insurance-if they will cover most of an IUI ($2500.00 a cycle) maybe it's worth trying for a cycle or two. If not then it's probably going to be a better choice to go with the IVF (approximately $13000.00 to $15000.00) a cycle. If insurance won't cover any of it, it will come down to cost but I am rooting for Dr. A.
We have a lot of little duckies to line up before we can take the next step. All I know is that every time I leave one of those appointments it's all I can think about for the next few days. I guess the focus in the short term is moving in to our new home on Friday. A lot to do still and still proving to be a great distraction as always.
So, I am stressed. J is more stressed than I. We, together equal one ball of stress. It's a good thing we have put TTC on the back burner for a month or two because I don't think we could handle that too.
I have hardly seen J this week. We bought a new home and it is...shall we say... uninhabitable while we are renovating. We couldn't live there if we wanted to. There is no carpet, a torn up sun room, walls being removed and added, new windows and doors being installed as well as siding. Our home is in shambles. So, yes, we got ourselves into this, I realize that. All of our belongings are in storage. When we moved out of our old home in June and hadn't found a house we tried to keep anything and everything we may need out of storage. I had no idea we would still not have a home by the time the fall rolled around so ALL of my fall/winter clothes and shoes are in a storage crate in the middle of a large warehouse somewhere in Missouri! It's hard to look appropriate for work everyday when you have short sleeve tops, and sandals to choose from and it's in the 50's! It's cold out there. I realized this this morning while walking our dog in the 50 degree weather with rain pouring down. BURRRRRR.
So, here's the rest of it...J has a job, a great one, he also is a Real Estate Agent on the side for friends/family and has one house under contract, he is in class all this week instead of work to get his brokers license but still taking on the responsibilities at work while he is in class. He was also asked to interview for a new job out of the blue this week and has accepted the offer. So he is changing jobs. (OMG) Jamie is also playing the role of project manager for our home construction since his office is very close to our new home and I work downtown (30 mins away). On the weekends we spend every minute we can working on the home ourselves. We tear out carpet, flooring, wallpaper, and paint walls...you name it we do it. We do enjoy seeing the transformation and God only knows the house needed our help!
We can't wait to get into our new home with a yard and spread out. In the mean time I guess we will just keep doing what we are doing...trying to be supportive to one another, communicating by text, email and phone rather than face to face and making the most of our time together, what little we have, that is.
On a positive note: We will be in Hawaii for our one year anniversary in exactly two months! *grin*