Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rambling thoughts-Blogs/Mothers/In-laws/IVF

Blogs - I spent some time early this morning looking at IF blogs on stirrup queens website.  Just kind of looking for people in a situation like mine.  I do this ever so often to find women to identify with in the crazy land of IF.   I browsed blogs writing about a first IVF coming up or currently going through IVF, etc.

Many discontinued blogs both due to people throwing in the towel on infertility and being pregnant.   Many pregnancy announcements with updates and then the pregnancy announcement with the token "I've decided to retire this blog announcement".  Almost like erasing the infertility foot steps, pretending like it never happened.  I can't say I blame them.

Alot of women going through different treatments with no luck and at a loss for what to do, where to turn or how to continue their journey financially.  My heart aches for them.  It's so sad to see the number of treatments under their belts on the side of the screen and yet so amazing to see that they sprinkle their blog postings for their current treatment with smiley faces, still hoping for their miracle.   These women inspire me. 
Mothers - My Mother and I are still not speaking.  It's been since October.  I dealt with the mean and hurtful things she said by not responding.  We did not speak or see each other on Thanksgiving (she was out of the country), my birthday (Christmas Eve) or Christmas.  Obviously I am about to go through IVF and it would be nice if we were talking so I could share the good news.  My ultrasound news the other day would have been nice to share-15 follies on each ovary.  I had told myself a couple of months ago that I was prepared to go through this without my parents and I still am, it doesn't take the pain away though.  I feel like stress is toxic, especially when trying to create a new life and I wish I didn't have the stress of not speaking with my mother while undergoing treatment.  I am just at a loss of what to do since I sincerely feel I was right and my parent was wrong and not over one issue---over several issues.

My mother doesn't even know I am going through IVF in March.   I have wondered if I should tell her.  Should I give her the option to repair this and be part of the experience that most mothers would want to be part of, or just tell her if I do get pregnant or nothing at all God forbid it not workout?  This is a tough decision.  I was thinking about this in the car the other day and thought, I should send her an email but then realized-My mother may not know I am signed up for the March cycle of IVF but she darn well knew that we were receiving information packets in October for IVF.  She knew Jamie was switching jobs and that we were looking to the new year for IVF.  She could easily make the call as well.  

In-laws- I posted a couple weeks ago about telling my Mother and Father-in-Law (and their spouses) about our upcoming treatment.  I don't like to keep secrets and while I didn't tell them of my IF problems earlier out of embarrassment, I now want them to know.  Not even so much for my own sake but for J's sake.  I read blogs, I know what this process can do to you, but he on the other hand is unaware and I want him to have a support system, just in case. 

I was scared to let J's father down as he is sensitive like his son, but I am happy to report that telling both of them went very well.  We went out to dinner with J's Dad and his Step Mom.  J told them both and they took it so well, as I knew they would.  A lot of questions which is to be expected but a lot of support as well. 

Jamie told his Mom by phone and I think that went very well also.  She is in Florida and I want her to feel like she can be as little or as much involved as she wants so I have been sending emails to her updating her whenever I have news.  She's been great, just as I knew she would.  I am looking forward to sending her our calendar so she can follow along with us.  The best thing I can say about having issues with my own Mother and Father is having the privilege of having great in-laws handy which makes it hurt less.

IVF- I am excited for my first IVF cycle coming up.  I can't help it.  Every little appointment (Calendar Review Next Thursday!), every little test, I get all excited.  I am excited for the real possibility of becoming a mama.  Perhaps it is natural to feel the first cycle will be "THE ONE" and that's how I feel for the most part and I try and keep myself in that mind set because letting my mind go too far down the "what if" path is depressing.  Am I setting myself up for failure to let myself bask in the possibility that the first cycle could be "IT"?  The last couple of days I have thought of my upcoming weeks and getting all happy and then reminding myself that all too often it's 2, 3, 4 or 5 IVF's and no luck.  Do I dream of the possibilities or do I sell myself on multiple cycles and hope to get lucky on the first go round.  I ask myself this a lot.  I have decided to be positive.  So please don't take me for delusional or misinformed.  I read too many blogs to not know the possibilities here, I am just choosing to have a good outlook.

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