Friday, January 1, 2010

How to tell the one's you love that you're infertile...and about to undergo IVF

My immediate family has known for some time that I have been struggling with fertility.  Telling my family was easy.  I wasn't worried about letting them down, I wasn't worried about what they might think. 

Telling my husbands family is different.  When I first found out of my infertility problems, I wanted to keep it from anyone on J's side of the family.  I know why too...I felt responsible and ashamed.  Jamie nonchalantly mentioned to me six months ago that he told his Mom about our issues.  At the time, we were on our second Clomid cycle and I wasn't ovulating and my niece was born (a real low point in my journey with IVF).  When J first told me that he told his Mom, I won't lie, I was a little pissed and a little relieved.  Pissed that he knew I wished for him to keep this from his family and said something anyway but relieved because his Mom knew.  I never shared my anger with him because the relief outweighed the anger. 

With IVF in our near future, telling J's family has been on my mind a lot lately.  Jamie's parents are no ordinary in-laws to me, they are my family, right now they are the only family I have besides my brother as my parents and I are not speaking.  The reason J's parents are family is because when I was in high school I lived with Jamie's Mom and sister for a few months while I was kicked out of my parents house.  J's Mom and sister took me in.  Thank God for them, I don't know what I would have done, where I would have gone.  This was 15 years ago...I can't believe it's been that long.

After returning from our vacation to Hawaii, we had dinner with Jamie's Grandmother who was in town for the holidays.  I told Jamie I wanted to tell her while she was in town and was glad to hear that he felt the same way.  We have always been able to tell her anything.  We told her at dinner and she was so supportive and assuring.  I started tearing up while Jamie told's hard to tell your husbands Grandmother that you are the reason her Grandson doesn't have a child yet.  I know there was no blame, but you can't help but feel responsible for the need to have this talk and for the fear you have in your heart that there may never be a child.  The future is so uncertain.  If I could have one wish come true, it would be that we have a child soon enough to meet Shirley, J's Grandma.  Telling her that we were trying I suppose is the next best thing. 

Since our financial appointment at the RE's office I have been thinking about how we would tell J's Father.  While J and I were having lunch yesterday he asked me, "So.................................................................................How.....or we......tell people that we are going to go through IVF?"  I told him I had been thinking the same thing and that I thought that as soon as we put the money down for our first cycle, we could tell close friends and family.  He agreed.

Well, I expect we are putting money down on the March cycle early next week and we are having dinner with his Father and Step Mother tomorrow night so we briefly discussed mentioning this to them at dinner tomorrow night.  As far as I know, J's Dad knows nothing of our infertility.  I have suspected that telling J's Dad will be the most difficult.  He is as sensitive as his son and very protective...I love that about him.  He's not protective in a tough way but a loving way.  The day I married his son, he told me to take good care of him.  So sharing our information in regards to the upcoming IVF is hard, like I am not holding up my end of the deal.

As far as telling J's Mom.   She as I mentioned earlier knows of our struggle but I don't know if she knows that IVF is the route we will be taking.  It's probably more drastic than anything she had imagined and so soon.  Telling her is a little easier because she knows some information already but I still have the same fears of feeling responsible.  I know I shouldn't but it's hard. 

I think one of the things I have wanted more than anything since I started dating Jamie years and years ago was to make his parents proud.  Thoughts of giving them Grandchildren have come around many many times in the nine years we have been together.  They are tremendous Grandparents to Jamie's niece and nephew.  I never experienced that type of Grand parenting, I watch them do it with such ease and in total amazement.  I just pray to God that we end up with a child after all of this.  I want to experience being a Mother, I want to be the best Mom I can be.  I want to see Jamie be a Father-he will be amazing I am sure of it and I want to see his parents become Grandparents to our children.

No comments: