19 weeks-Food, Family and Nightmares

We've almost made it to 20 weeks!  I can't believe our 20 week ultrasound is next Thursday.  J and I are sooooo excited!  This week, baby is the size of a mango, and I can't believe it but next week we'll have a cantaloupe on our hands! 

This week I made some big strides in the eating area. We went to Greek Fest Saturday at our friends Church and had all kinds of yummy food!  I had been waiting for Greek Fest for weeks and nearly wrecked my car when I saw the banner a couple of weeks ago advertising it.  Oh the food, the food is so yummy.  I had been talking to myself for over a week in advance about what I was going to eat...EVERYTHING!  And I did!  I even had two bite sized pieces of chicken!  Okay, so they were wrapped in a pita with tzatziki but hey...I had CHICKEN!  Not chicken nuggets or another kid item-GRILLED CHICKEN!  I was so impressed with myself!  I also had a wonderful salad, flaming cheese and spanikopita (I HAD SPINACH!)  I missed spinach.  For dessert we had loukoumades and baklava!  Oh, I was in heaven.  Heaven I tell you.  I'm looking forward to next year already with baby in tow! 

So I have been doing a little better food wise outside of festivals.  Jamie and I were grocery shopping on Saturday and he asked me if I was ready to graduate from Kid Cuisine to Grown-up food.  I told him I didn't think so but one look at the Kid Cuisine's through the freezer case door and I knew I needed to graduate!  That food looked so disgusting and well....childish!  So I made my way down to the Smart ones and Lean Cuisines to take for lunch this week.  I picked plain foods like spaghetti and other red sauce entree's but for me even red sauce is a huge step.  It seemed like too much flavor for the past few weeks.  I'm still not eating real complicated things but I am open to more options which feels great!  I still won't eat grilled meat, though I had those two pieces at Greek Fest and I won't even smell barbecue sauce but I tell you, I am making big progress!

Part of my project list includes finishing up the decor in our living room.  It's been a slow room to fill and an expensive one at that but it's a large item on my to do list.  I had some pictures of ours printed and bought new frames to display all of my favorite pictures in.  I included some from Jamie's childhood, his two sisters, his niece and nephew, his Grandmother and some pictures of J and I.  I have a couple that I still haven't found frames for, both pictures of his parents.  I was glad to get this part done.  Now I just need some lamps and art for the walls which are completely bare. 
Friday night/Saturday morning I had a terrible nightmare.  It was about our dog we had to put down one year ago.  His name was Bowden.  He was Jamie's dog when Jamie and I started dating.  My first introduction to the amazing breed of Golden Retrievers.  He was beautiful and the sweetest dog I have ever known.  He and my husband had an incredible bond and I was lucky enough to witness that and to form my own bond with Bowden over the course of dating and being newly married.  Eight years later, the day we closed on our last home we had to put Bowden down.  His mind was perfectly there but his joints were so bad he couldn't walk anymore.  His joints gave out slowly over a couple of years and J and I did as much as we could to help him including carrying him up two flights of stairs daily...all 85 pounds of him.  Sometimes I would carry him a couple/few times a day to protect what little remained of his joints.  It was easier than watching him struggle.  I hated seeing him struggle.  He was also on various medications.  Anyway, my nightmare was about how I was doing everything I could to make things easier for Bowden as he was getting really weak towards the end and somehow I had managed to figure out a way to have him lay in one spot and be watered and fed and sleep for weeks only to finally pick him up and the side he had laid on for weeks had grown dead, the hair was gone and his skin was falling off.  I woke up several times so disturbed by what I was dreaming and made conscious efforts to try and change my thoughts.  I told myself to dream about the first time we would see star or to imagine the playset we would eventually put in the back yard but instead, every time I closed my eyes the dream about Bowden grew darker and darker and soon it was reflective of me not doing enough to protect him.  It was about how I could have prolonged his life had I just done more.  I finally got up to use the bathroom in a last effort to change things and while in the bathroom I started sobbing.  It was 2:00 in the morning and I cried about the visuals I kept seeing in my sleep and I cried because I missed Bowden.  I went back towards bed and stood at the side of the bed blowing my nose and getting a drink of water when Jamie heard me and jumped up.  He asked me if I was okay and I told him I had a terrible nightmare.  As I told him I started crying as I climbed back in bed and when he asked what it was about I told him I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think of what I was thinking of.  I kept sobbing but tried to control myself and Jamie gave me the TV remote and rubbed my arm for half an hour or so while I watched Jackass on MTV-which did make me laugh I have to admit.  I finally went downstairs to sleep on the sofa and was woken by J the next morning.  He asked again what my nightmare was about and I told him.  Bowden's still very much in our hearts.  I wish we could have cloned him, he was that great of a dog.  We have another Golden Retriever currently, Wilson, who grew up with Bowden for 5 years and though he is an amazing dog as well and wonderful in a completely different way, no dog will ever be the same as Bowden was.

Sweet baby.  I hope all dogs do go to heaven and I hope you are running up there chasing tennis balls.  We miss you.