Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah Eggspector Gadget...

Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah-Dah  Whoooo Hooo!!!!!

Oh, I crack myself up!  (Like an egg!  Wahh Hahh Hahh!!!)  Okay, went to get my blood drawn today.  Hopefully that all looks good.  Had an hour to kill between giving blood and my ultrasound so I met J for coffee (tea for me).  A nice treat to see him before going in for my date with the Doc.  Anyhoo, I audio recorded the appointment for J with my iphone, what a great way to share everything with him later! 

The points worth mentioning are as follows.  Uterus lining is a 5.  Which Dr. A says is good.  AF hasn't showed up yet and Dr. A suspects it will be a brief and easy visit (possibly just spotting) by Monday.  So that's good, I was a little worried she hadn't showed up yet.  I have 12-15 follies on the right ovary and 12-15 on the left.  Dr. A said I get "Good Marks" in the preliminary metal rounds (using olympic analogy).  He said he has good feelings about this and plans to do a day 5 blast transfer and thinks we will have candidates to freeze too.  Okay he may say all of that to most women but he is so sincere and it felt good to hear.  God knows I am doing anything and everything I can to make the healthiest follies I can.  It helps to see good things and hear hope in my Doctor's voice.

And now, I will leave you with the lovely pictures I took this morning.  IVF baby making 101 for you fertiles and newbies...

My Leftt (as spelled on screen) ovary and all of it's follicles (black circles)

12-15 follies!

My right ovary and all of it's follicles

12-15 follies!

And a shot of the screen before I left...(just for good measure)  Eggspector Gadget!  Nothing is safe from my iphone camera!

Stay strong follies!  See you March 8th!

Miss Kitty, Talking Follies, Hot Flashes and Chicago

Well, I have injected myself six days now with lovely lupron.  Okay, Friday morning J wanted to give it a go so I let him give me the injection and when he poked me with the needle I yowled so he pulled back and then had to stick me again!  Whenever I see even the littlest amount of blood or feel the teeniest amount of pain I tell J I need a pink Miss Kitty band aid.  I keep them in my tupperware container with all of the other meds, alcohol wipes, needles, etc.  I haven't used a Miss Kitty band aid but I hope to soon!  I've got one bruise on my abdomen so far from my Sunday morning injection.  It's not painful but it's there.  A lot of weird feelings going on in my girly areas, not sure what's happening.

J likes to joke about my follies every once in a while.  He tapped my stomach the other day and then apologized to my follies.  Saturday night I had fallen asleep and forgot to take my prenatal pill and J kept whispering "What about the follies?" until I got up and took the darn prenatal pill.  I like it when he talks of my follies!  I like to act like my follies are talking to J just to be funny so I put my fingers where my ovaries are and wiggle them and say "Thanks Daddy". 

J and I had the most incredible weekend in Chicago!  We drove there from St. Louis Friday morning.  We got to Chicago around 3:30.  Our hotel was right on Michigan Avenue so J and took a walk after arriving and then split off.  He went to see a band and I went to see my favorite college buddy Anna and her son Jack.  Anna, Jack and I had dinner and it felt so great to catch up with an old friend who I haven't seen since my wedding in Mexico (Dec 08).  Her son Jack is the cutest, I just melt when I see him. 

Saturday morning J and I woke up early and went to this incredible restaurant, Ann Sathers, for breakfast and then back to the hotel room before shopping!  We walked all over Chicago!  I suspect we walked about 6 or 7 miles and even found time to meet Anna and Jack at Millenium Park to do some ice skating!  Okay, well I didn't skate, I took pictures and guarded our purchases while Anna, Jack and J skated.  J was so great and helped little Jack skate.  Jack spent more time horizontal than he did vertical but he really did skate better after being out there an hour or so.  Here are a few pics of the three of them.

These pictures make me so happy.  I stood on the perimeter and smiled my face off.  I loved seeing Jack play with Jamie.  It's a reminder of why J and I are in this fertility stuff to begin with.  It means so much to me to spend time with Anna and Jack and what makes it even more special is that J knew what it meant to me and spent his Saturday afternoon helping Jack skate.  J was so smitten with Jack, understandably so.  What a cutie! 

OK, so last night I had a terrible nights sleep.  I'm not sure if it's the lupron or the steroids preventing my sleep and giving me hot flashes but I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me last night and finally popped a Tylenol PM and then woke up repeatedly during the night sweating!   

As for other side effects.  I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat in Chicago.  I was having lunch with Jamie before ice skating and I just started telling him what it meant to me to see Anna and Jack and how I miss Anna terribly.  Before I knew it I was bawling, trying not to, but bawling none the less.  J gets this deer in the headlight look, like "oh crap she's going to make a scene".  The second time I could have cried with no effort was at a wonderful dinner J planned for us Saturday night.  Every thing was great and I was in a good mood and I looked at him and said, "Just so you know I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat".  Again, he looked confused and frightened of the possibilities.  I held it together.  It wasn't hard, I was in a good mood after all.  Strange stuff, these drugs.

On another medical note...I took my last birth control pill yesterday!  I do believe that means we are heading in the right direction!  I have my ultrasound Thursday!  Please cross your fingers for us!  I have been a little worried about this ultrasound because our coordinator said that Dr. A wanted to be sure he saw me and that is was important.  I don't know why.  Maybe it has something to do with PCOS?  

IVF #1 - Day 1

Okay!  So last night when I got home the remainder of my big girl meds arrived!  It looks like enough for a horse, I can't believe all of this will be put in me. 

But!  Before we could get started we had some business to take care of!  Remember about a month ago I posted about our friends giving us a bundle of sage and a karma ring for our homewarming gift?  Well, last night we set the sage on fire and cleansed ourselves and Wilson and then we cleansed the house.  We wouldn't normally do something like this but we figured with IVF #1 coming up why not?  We can take whatever help we can get.  So we cleansed everything and then we both made a wish on the karma ring and hung it in the room we hope will be a nursery one day.  (Currently Wilson's boom boom room, or loveshack or as J likes to call it....Wilson's masterbatoreum!  Our dog has two huge LL Bean Beds and he likes to hump them and then suck on them for half an hour at a time so we figured we would just give him his own private room for making whoopie-I kid you not-the only thing in this room is two LL Bean dog beds and our karma ring!)  I will post a pic of the boom-boom room at a later date!

So, on to the good stuff. After going to bed early last night with J. I set the alarm for 5:30 this morning so I could shower, etc and eat breakfast before J would give me my injection. I got all of this done before he woke up so I went ahead and gave myself the shot. It wasn't bad at all but I know these aren't the bad ones. The lupron burned under my skin and my skin was a little irritated for a half hour or so after but all in all not bad! I did it! Here is the lupron. Okay, I think that's about all the updates I will have until after our weekend trip to Chicago. I am anticipating our first ultrasound next Thursday! Have a great weekend everyone!

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Well, it's here!  We start our meds tomorrow.  It feels like we have waited so long!  We stopped trying to conceive on our own in October and this is our first chance almost four months later.   I feel positive for the most part but every once in a while I get a twinge of panic.  About three times in the last couple of weeks I have felt my heart drop and my eyes tear up.   It happened to me Saturday while walking the track at our gym.  I was fine and walking along to my ipod one second and the next I was pleading for this to work with tears in my eyes.  Then it passes very quickly.  There is so much pressure.  For the most part though I am excited and I think that has a lot to do with the mood I have been in lately.  We finally have a chance!  That makes my heart swell with happiness!

Here are a couple of pictures to show you just how much I have been looking foward to starting this cycle...

Exhibit A-My desk calendar which I have been marking x's on each day

Exhibit B-One corner of my desk at work where I keep the cards that J has given me regarding our struggles and even a sweet note from his mom.  There is also a quote that says "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."  Unknown.  There are pictures of my niece there as well and my medicine calendar too.  The flowers are from one of my managers for a job well done!  It may seem silly to have a corner of my desk with all of these things but, I sit at my desk for nine hours a day.  It's where I do most of my thinking about infertility, make most of my emails and calls to the Dr.'s office, etc.  Anyone just walking by wouldn't know what these things are, but to me the cards, pictures, calendars, etc. are how I make it day to day and remind me of all that's coming up when I feel down.

ANYHOO! 

We have a to do list for tonight...

1,)  Our friends gave us a baby sage bundle and a karma ring for our house warming about a month ago.  We are supposed to light the sage bundle and cleanse ourselves and make a wish with the karma ring and hang it in our home.   So, I told J when we got this that i thought we should save them for the night before we start our IVF meds.  That's tonight!  We will light the sage and bring the smoke over our face and body and let it cleanse us and use the rest around the house to cleanse it.  As for the karma ring, we are supposed to wish for something we want very badly and then hang the ring.  I told J that I thought we should hand the ring in the the room that would be the nursery after making our wish.  We obviously didn't even have to agree on what to wish for, when we discussed this we saw it in each others eyes. 

2.)  Receive box of meds from box on front porch, unpack and organize them. 

3.)  Watch injection education video with Jamie and get a refresher on how to administer lupron shots.

4.)  Get everything ready for the morning when I will receive first dose before work.

Please think good thoughts for us.

Acupuncture and a Valentine's Day Treat!

Acupuncture-TAKE 3!  Okay, so I don't want to brag but guess who went to acupuncture and didn't knock out any needles?  ME!  Every single needle stayed in tact!  YESIREE!  I was so proud of myself!  I have to admit, I wasn't so sure about acupuncture in the beginning but I am starting to REALLY believe in it.  I have noticed over the last week I have been starting to feel more positive.  I have had a low day here and there but for the most part I feel like a completely different person than I did 3 and 4 weeks ago.  I tried listening to a meditation sound track while relaxing at the acupuncture office today, it helped a little bit but relaxing is still hard for me.  I am also trying to do little things to pamper or treat myself, I would love to get a massage this weekend, maybe a pedicure next weekend and oh boy would I love my eye brows waxed!  We leave for a weekend trip to Chicago next weekend where I will see my good friend from college and spend the weekend with my wonderful husband.  Spending time with my hubby, that's pampering myself, love that man.  Anyway, here's a pic of the needles in my belly and my feet!

Another reason I could be feeling a little less like the spawn of Satan or Regan from the exorcist as my husband likes to call me from time to time may also be due to the vitamins I have been taking lately.  My doctor recently posted on his blog that he recommends taking the following before treatment:

antioxidants ( I drink two tablespoons of a juice concentrate every day)

fish oil (2 times a day)

Vitamin B complex

Calcium

Prenatal vitamins with folic acid

Baby Asprin-I opted to take this after checking with my nurse as I researched and found benefits to it

Here's what that looks like:

Oh...AND!!!!!  I got some valentine's treats today...

Okay so maybe it's not your typical foil wrapped chocolate but I feel pretty darn excited about this package of meds and needles!  Expecting another box of big girl meds next week!  I figure I may as well love it now since I most likely won't be in a week!  Very excited to get started!

We're next! We're next!

So, I didn't think I had anything to post today and then I read our discussion boards from our RE's office and one of the girls in my cycle mentioned that the February cyclers are up so the March cyclers are next!  We're next!  OMG!  Our first REAL chance at a baby!  I am all excited.  I feel like our turn in the spot light is coming!  Oh,  and speaking of our discussion boards at SIRM, the girls in the March cycle may be meeting up!  I am very excited to meet everyone.  I hope it works out!

One thing that I am not so crazy about is the fact that my husband called the RE's office this morning and found out our coordinator Andrea is no longer working there.  So, we are coordinatorless for now!  Not to worry, I know everyone at SIRM is a gem!  I just hope someone contacts us soon and introduces themself so I know who to hound with questions!

I am finally feeling normal after starting birth control pills over a month ago.  Maybe it's the start of meds and finally feeling like we are getting somewhere but I am positive and excited.  I am going to stop reasearching on line however.  Everytime I research I find new discouraging information which makes me feel yucky inside.  Boo! 

Meds arrive tomorrow! 

Week in review-a few topics

I've been feeling especially low over the last week, doing a lot of reflecting and a lot of projecting.  I reflect daily on the way I have treated my poor hubby the day or weekend before and usually reflect long enough to send an apology email from my work to his.  I project and wonder what the future holds for us.  I hate living in the land of not knowing.  The reality that one IVF may not be it for us scares me.  I wouldn't even know what our next step would be.  One week from tomorrow I start my big girl injections.  I know J is scared that he's going to see an even worse side to me than he already has.  I told him I'm scared to see how I will react too.  I listen to myself nag and bitch and complain and hate the way I sound.  I just can't seem to be myself.  I told him it's like someone has taken over my body and I have lost control.  I hate the person I am right now. 
 Speaking of being bitchy and irritable.  The same goes for work.  I was much delighted to learn that "The loud laugher" would be on vacation last week through today.  I was actually able to work without headphones and without wishing bad thoughts on her.  However, there is now a sneezer!  Yes, this man who sits two cubicles from me keeps sneezing and I actually muttered "Shut up" under my breath yesterday.  It all sounds so silly but the laughing and sneezing is driving me absolutely crazy.  A couple of the girls I sit next to in the interior design department just laugh at me, thank goodness they know this isn't how I normally act.


I went to acupuncture number two.  It went MUCH better than last weeks, thank you very much.  Needles were placed this time in my right wrist, ear, head, abdomen and feet/lower legs.  There was music on so I didn't listen to my iphone but rest assured I still snapped a couple pics! 

I really wanted to try and relax after I took my photos so I took some deep breaths and counted and before I knew it I was so relaxed I couldn't open my eyes but my thoughts were racing.  I've never experienced anything like this.  It was nice.  All of a sudden I got a huge itch on my ear and reached up quickly to put a stop to it and gave myself a big dog itch and knocked out a needle.  (Yes, this is the second time I knocked out a needle)  I didn't even know what area of my ear the needle came from but once again I felt like I was going to get in trouble so I chose a spot and stuck it back in!  I drifted off again, never sleeping but thinking so fast with my eyes tightly shut.  The acupuncturist walked in and took the needles out very quickly until she got to my ear and paused pulled the needle out of my ear and then one out of my hair!  I had knocked two out!  Darnit!  I blew the whole thing!  Anyway, J doesn't believe in acupuncture and he's made that clear!  This is what I have to say about that.  I'm a tense person naturally in a tense situation.  I have a hard time relaxing.  My jaw is always tight, my relaxed jaw position is with my teeth clenched.  I have a lot going on outside of this infertility crap too.  If I can go somewhere and relax, even if I'm being mentally tricked into relaxing-then let me be. 


J's Mom has been amazing since we told her about signing up for the March IVF.  She lives in Florida half the year and I have made it my goal to keep her as included as possible.  I sent her my calendar, update her with Dr. visits, etc.  A couple weeks ago I had mentioned to her that I wanted to get the book "In Vitro Fertilization, the A.R.T. of making babies" by Dr. Sher who founded the clinic I go to.  She bought the book for herself so she could learn about IVF.  This was so cool to me.  For once a person was doing their own research and learning, for once I wouldn't have to explain every detail.  So we were emailing last week and she found out I hadn't bought the book yet and the very next email was a receipt from Amazon.  She purchased me the book and had it shipped to my house.  This book will be my bible.  I am about half way through it and it is filled with so much information.  It will be so nice to have as a resource.  It was so nice of her and so appreciated.  I am ever grateful for her interest and good spirits for all that we have coming up. 


I'm trying to exercise more but this one is so hard for me.  I am working on it though.


Friday night we decided to have a "slumber party" in the living room and watch TV.  (We slept in bed).  I love love love getting out all the fluffy soft blankets and getting comfy!  We ordered a sofa and ottoman three weeks ago and it will be another few weeks before it's in.  So right now we have one lonely chair in the living room with a nice TV that we have to lay on the floor to watch together!  Wilson likes it!

I'm glad the Saints won the Superbowl.  It was a perfect ending to a project I am finishing at work right now.  For three years now I have worked on the Hurricanes Katrina/Rita restoration for the Louisiana Army National Guard.  We consulted and furnished 25 new buildings that were flooded or damaged due to the hurricanes.  About half of the buildings were in the lower 9th ward (otherwise known as the soup bowl).  My clients buildings were 15 feet under water.  Bull dozed and rebuilt stronger and better.  I fell in love with New Orleans.  I traveled there over 15 times, staying down town each time.  I remember the first time I saw the super dome.  It was a year and a half after Katrina, it was my first visit to meet with the client and I can just remember driving around the dome to get downtown and remembering all of those people I had seen on TV just idly sitting outside the dome, waiting for rescue.  It haunted me the first few visits as did the lower 9th ward.  So many of the houses still sporting the orange spray paint on their siding or brick to this day.  I wondered how these people went back at first but over time I got it, this was their home.  After a few visits I stopped gawking at the super dome and looked past the blue tarps on the roofs and orange spray paint on the front of the homes.  It was remarkable to see the progress New Orleans had made with each visit I made there.  I reflect fondly of this project.  It's probably the only thing I have ever done in my life where I actually made a real difference. 

My first Acupuncture Appointment

Last Friday I had my first acupuncture appointment.  I was nervous but excited.  I walked in and was shocked to see a baby, ironic considering what I was there for.  An odd place to see a baby.  Christine, the acupuncturist (is that a word?) walked out and was probably 6 or 7 months preggo herself.  I was shocked.  She was very nice.  She had me fill out a form with medical history questions.  She then took me back to a room and asked me more questions based on the form and then asked me to take off my shoes and socks and lay on the table.   No problem there.  She then showed me the needles explaining that they don't hurt and proved that by sticking one in her wrist.  The needles looked small enough however so I was comfortable and felt like I was in good hands. 

Needles were placed in my right wrist and my lower legs/feet.  This took about 3 or 4 minutes and then Christine said "okay, now I am going to leave you alone for a while and you get to take a nap".  Well, I knew a nap would never happen as I fidget too much and can only sleep laying on my stomach in a bed...I can't sleep in a car, on a plane and could never sleep in school.  I only sleep in beds.  So she shut the door and to be honest the first thing I wanted to do was get up off the table and tip toe to my purse across the room and grab my iphone to take pictures as I am so into taking pictures and documenting my journey to IVF but I told myself no and there I laid.  I tried to relax but I had itches on my ankles.  I tried laying there and hoping they would go away but no such luck so I lifted my left leg and reached to scratch my ankle.  My dry skin left a lot of evidence.  Then I lifted my right foot and scratched that ankle.  I put my leg back down and scratched a few more itches, head, arms, etc.  So I am laying there and I hear a delivery truck right outside the window.  (Note:  Picture above is the actual room I was in)  The truck was loud and I looked back to make sure I couldn't be seen and yup, the window is open.  So the driver get's out and I can then hear him start taking the ramp out in the back of the truck, opening the doors and walking back and forth to deliver his boxes.  All while I am laying right there with needles everywhere.  So, I was finally able to forget about that dude once I started itching again.  I forgot I had needles in my wrist and scratched the other arm with the needle wrist.  I put my hand back down once I remembered and when I looked down at my wrist my needles were laying on their sides, no longer standing up in my skin.  I thought, "uh oh, I'm gonna get in trouble"  totally flashing back to my childhood when I would get in trouble for touching something I wasn't supposed to and the evidence was glaring!  So I used my left hand to try and stand the needles back up all while noting where Christine was as I could hear her voice and footsteps going back and forth on the other side of my door.  I thought I got the needles standing up pretty good again and laid my wrist down.  I tried to concentrate on relaxing but I cannot relax.  It's impossible.  Oh yeah, she put a heater over my feet so they wouldn't get cold.  I kept moving it to adjust it when different parts of my feet would get cold.  I was very busy.  A few minutes later I look down and my sweater sleeve which she had pushed towards my elbow was close to my wrist!  I pulled it back and when I did, the same needle I repositioned earlier CAME OUT!  Yep, it was in my other hand!  Gulp!  So then I really start to panic because she is sure to come in any minute so I yanked up my sweater sleeve and stuck it back in the same little teeny tiny hole I saw it come out of.  Now I am sure by this time, the delivery driver is like "what the heck? this chick is giving herself acupuncture."  I put the needle in my arm and 2 seconds after I laid my wrist back down Christine walked in and was all "did you get to relax!?!"  "Oh yeah"  I said.  She removed the needles and told me I was fine to come out when ever I was ready.  I shot up, put on my socks and shoes, took out my iphone, snapped a picture and paid at the front desk.  Oh yeah, and I made another appointment for next Friday.  This time I plan to bring my iphone and headphones with me when I lay down to listen to calming music...oh okay, and I might snap a picture!

So, on a side note one thing that I have been fortunate enough to have is a distraction from IVF.  We moved into our home around Halloween and have had some construction going on while we rehabbed the house.  The one room I am most proud of is the sunroom.  The floor was completely ripped out, it was carpeted and we had tile laid.  11 new windows and two new doors.  Recessed lighting and a new light fixture from pottery barn.  J and I painted it a couple weekends ago and we found a great rug for it Sunday.  Our table is being refinished and will be delivered Thursday.  I will post more pics after the table is in and decorated. 

My husband - He's a keeper!

For the last couple of weeks my husband has been extremely supportive and present for me.  It's made me reflect a lot about his involvement in this process. 

Initially this journey started out feeling like more of a solo journey than a journey with a partner.  I made the Doctor's appointments, it was my instinct that made me book more follow-up appointments, I bought the books and spent countless hours researching on the internet.  I signed up for fertilityfriend.com where I learned to document my cycles each month, take my basal body temperature, decipher mucous types and other bodily symptoms, bought the pregnancy tests and opk's, and the list goes on and on.  There were a couple of points along the way where I kind of exploded on J.  I could feel the weight of infertility resting squarely on my shoulders.  I wanted him to take more of an interest and be more involved.  I explained to him one time, that he could do simple things...get me more prenatal vitamins or folic acid when he saw I was low, learn about charting, ask questions, attend appointments, etc.

Slowly I started noticing a change in Jamie.  I think that as time went on Jamie may have started to realize that we weren't trying to have a baby anymore, we were struggling to have a baby.  Jamie started attending the appointments.  He's been to every single one since July.  It felt so good to have a second set of ears to hear all of the information thrown out during each meeting.  He had opinions which I valued.  Jamie took more of an interest in charting and even learned my username and password to fertilityfriend.com and would log my temperatures and any other symptoms on weekends.  It felt so good to have a partner in this. 

As the IVF approaches I am seeing a side of J I have never seen before.  He's my rock, he reminds me to be supportive and lifts my spirits.  This means so much to me with all that we have coming up in the next couple of months and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I was talking to J on the phone when I received an email from a good friend announcing her pregnancy.  She was so sweet to send me a private email before posting it on facebook and it meant a lot.  I was talking to J and skimming over the email and saw "pregnant"  I re-read it and interrupted J and said "_____ is pregnant"  I think he could hear the mix of happiness and sadness in my voice.  He said "think positive thoughts".   The next morning before work I noticed a gift bag on our kitchen stools, it had a big heart made of roses on the bag and I thought I can't believe he:

• a.) already bought me a valentine's gift
• b.) left it in plain sight as he knows I love to ruin surprises 

I was tempted to open it but didn't.  He called me at work an hour later and said "you didn't open your gift"  I was confused and said "it was laying side ways on a stool under the counter, I had no idea I was supposed to open it."  So that night after work I opened the bag, it was from Brighton.  A little heart shaped tin was inside and inside of that tin was a beautiful silver necklace with a sparkly flower pendant.  I texted him and said, "is the Brighton gift my valentines gift?" he texted back and said "no just a pick me up gift"  I thanked him.  He had no idea what that meant to me.  Not the gift but the effort behind the gift.  He went out of his way.  I couldn't believe he was so thoughtful that day and get me a gift to lift my spirits.

Yesterday, Jamie and I had a little tiff  a knock-down-drag-out.  He mentioned he was going to the fitness center we belong to (that I haven't been to in well over a month) and asked if I wanted to go.  I responded "no" and he asked if he should cancel my membership, to which I replied "go ahead."  I thought about it a few minutes and knew why he wanted me to go.  He wanted me to go for the upcoming IVF but I took it wrong.  His heart was in the right place.  I got dressed to go and he then told me not to go, he didn't want to make me.  We got into a heated argument.  J asked why I hadn't been working out, he thinks it's important for the IVF(which it is).  Why wasn't I working out with motivation like the IVF coming up, he asked.  I tried explaining to Jamie that while I know the IVF is coming up I feel really down and depressed and just lack the energy to go.  He stated that he feels strongly that with the little time we have that everything we do is of the utmost importance.  He asked me to help him understand what he can do to motivate me.  "Should we go Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and one weekend day"?  He wanted to know if he should go with me, if it would be better if I had a partner to go with me?  He was rightly concerned and wants me to fit in exercise where I can to up our chances.  Eventually I stopped taking it personally and realized Jamie was doing just what I had been wanting him to do for a year, being supportive and attentive.  I gave in and opted for a walk around our neighborhood with our dog Wilson instead of going to the fitness center.  I had planned a long route and left the ipod at home so I could take time to myself.  I had time to think and get lost.  No, not lost in my thoughts, LOST!  Our neighborhood is comprised of 7 large neighborhoods all entangled with curvy streets.  We have only lived here for five months-I took a wrong turn and a planned four mile walk quickly turned into a seven or eight mile walk!  Poor Wilson, he was exhausted.  He kept looking up at me like "Please take me home."  I kept giving him pep talks and encouragement pats on the head and butt, on some of the quieter streets I even had to let him off of his leash so he would stop dragging behind me, there's nothing quite like pulling a 90 pound Golden Retriever on a walk for miles!!!  I eventually made it home.  I had blisters, something pulled in my crotch area and sore legs and poor Willie had walked some raw spots on his paw pads. 

Anyway, I wrote J an email this morning letting him know that I was grateful for his support, he responded back and all is good again in our household.  You know, all too often during this journey I have had so many negative thoughts about myself.   It's hard knowing that the struggles you and your husband face are your fault.  I am still amazed that J has never once blamed this on me during this process, or ever made it seem like we are sacrificing money or things for IVF.  What a difference a year makes.  I thank my lucky stars for my Jamie, my greatest support, my trophy husband.