I've been feeling especially low over the last week, doing a lot of reflecting and a lot of projecting. I reflect daily on the way I have treated my poor hubby the day or weekend before and usually reflect long enough to send an apology email from my work to his. I project and wonder what the future holds for us. I hate living in the land of not knowing. The reality that one IVF may not be it for us scares me. I wouldn't even know what our next step would be. One week from tomorrow I start my big girl injections. I know J is scared that he's going to see an even worse side to me than he already has. I told him I'm scared to see how I will react too. I listen to myself nag and bitch and complain and hate the way I sound. I just can't seem to be myself. I told him it's like someone has taken over my body and I have lost control. I hate the person I am right now.
Speaking of being bitchy and irritable. The same goes for work. I was much delighted to learn that "The loud laugher" would be on vacation last week through today. I was actually able to work without headphones and without wishing bad thoughts on her. However, there is now a sneezer! Yes, this man who sits two cubicles from me keeps sneezing and I actually muttered "Shut up" under my breath yesterday. It all sounds so silly but the laughing and sneezing is driving me absolutely crazy. A couple of the girls I sit next to in the interior design department just laugh at me, thank goodness they know this isn't how I normally act.
I went to acupuncture number two. It went MUCH better than last weeks, thank you very much. Needles were placed this time in my right wrist, ear, head, abdomen and feet/lower legs. There was music on so I didn't listen to my iphone but rest assured I still snapped a couple pics!
I really wanted to try and relax after I took my photos so I took some deep breaths and counted and before I knew it I was so relaxed I couldn't open my eyes but my thoughts were racing. I've never experienced anything like this. It was nice. All of a sudden I got a huge itch on my ear and reached up quickly to put a stop to it and gave myself a big dog itch and knocked out a needle. (Yes, this is the second time I knocked out a needle) I didn't even know what area of my ear the needle came from but once again I felt like I was going to get in trouble so I chose a spot and stuck it back in! I drifted off again, never sleeping but thinking so fast with my eyes tightly shut. The acupuncturist walked in and took the needles out very quickly until she got to my ear and paused pulled the needle out of my ear and then one out of my hair! I had knocked two out! Darnit! I blew the whole thing! Anyway, J doesn't believe in acupuncture and he's made that clear! This is what I have to say about that. I'm a tense person naturally in a tense situation. I have a hard time relaxing. My jaw is always tight, my relaxed jaw position is with my teeth clenched. I have a lot going on outside of this infertility crap too. If I can go somewhere and relax, even if I'm being mentally tricked into relaxing-then let me be.
J's Mom has been amazing since we told her about signing up for the March IVF. She lives in Florida half the year and I have made it my goal to keep her as included as possible. I sent her my calendar, update her with Dr. visits, etc. A couple weeks ago I had mentioned to her that I wanted to get the book "In Vitro Fertilization, the A.R.T. of making babies" by Dr. Sher who founded the clinic I go to. She bought the book for herself so she could learn about IVF. This was so cool to me. For once a person was doing their own research and learning, for once I wouldn't have to explain every detail. So we were emailing last week and she found out I hadn't bought the book yet and the very next email was a receipt from Amazon. She purchased me the book and had it shipped to my house. This book will be my bible. I am about half way through it and it is filled with so much information. It will be so nice to have as a resource. It was so nice of her and so appreciated. I am ever grateful for her interest and good spirits for all that we have coming up.
I'm trying to exercise more but this one is so hard for me. I am working on it though.
Friday night we decided to have a "slumber party" in the living room and watch TV. (We slept in bed). I love love love getting out all the fluffy soft blankets and getting comfy! We ordered a sofa and ottoman three weeks ago and it will be another few weeks before it's in. So right now we have one lonely chair in the living room with a nice TV that we have to lay on the floor to watch together! Wilson likes it!
I'm glad the Saints won the Superbowl. It was a perfect ending to a project I am finishing at work right now. For three years now I have worked on the Hurricanes Katrina/Rita restoration for the Louisiana Army National Guard. We consulted and furnished 25 new buildings that were flooded or damaged due to the hurricanes. About half of the buildings were in the lower 9th ward (otherwise known as the soup bowl). My clients buildings were 15 feet under water. Bull dozed and rebuilt stronger and better. I fell in love with New Orleans. I traveled there over 15 times, staying down town each time. I remember the first time I saw the super dome. It was a year and a half after Katrina, it was my first visit to meet with the client and I can just remember driving around the dome to get downtown and remembering all of those people I had seen on TV just idly sitting outside the dome, waiting for rescue. It haunted me the first few visits as did the lower 9th ward. So many of the houses still sporting the orange spray paint on their siding or brick to this day. I wondered how these people went back at first but over time I got it, this was their home. After a few visits I stopped gawking at the super dome and looked past the blue tarps on the roofs and orange spray paint on the front of the homes. It was remarkable to see the progress New Orleans had made with each visit I made there. I reflect fondly of this project. It's probably the only thing I have ever done in my life where I actually made a real difference.