Monday, February 1, 2010

My husband - He's a keeper!

For the last couple of weeks my husband has been extremely supportive and present for me.  It's made me reflect a lot about his involvement in this process. 

Initially this journey started out feeling like more of a solo journey than a journey with a partner.  I made the Doctor's appointments, it was my instinct that made me book more follow-up appointments, I bought the books and spent countless hours researching on the internet.  I signed up for where I learned to document my cycles each month, take my basal body temperature, decipher mucous types and other bodily symptoms, bought the pregnancy tests and opk's, and the list goes on and on.  There were a couple of points along the way where I kind of exploded on J.  I could feel the weight of infertility resting squarely on my shoulders.  I wanted him to take more of an interest and be more involved.  I explained to him one time, that he could do simple things...get me more prenatal vitamins or folic acid when he saw I was low, learn about charting, ask questions, attend appointments, etc.

Slowly I started noticing a change in Jamie.  I think that as time went on Jamie may have started to realize that we weren't trying to have a baby anymore, we were struggling to have a baby.  Jamie started attending the appointments.  He's been to every single one since July.  It felt so good to have a second set of ears to hear all of the information thrown out during each meeting.  He had opinions which I valued.  Jamie took more of an interest in charting and even learned my username and password to and would log my temperatures and any other symptoms on weekends.  It felt so good to have a partner in this. 

As the IVF approaches I am seeing a side of J I have never seen before.  He's my rock, he reminds me to be supportive and lifts my spirits.  This means so much to me with all that we have coming up in the next couple of months and the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I was talking to J on the phone when I received an email from a good friend announcing her pregnancy.  She was so sweet to send me a private email before posting it on facebook and it meant a lot.  I was talking to J and skimming over the email and saw "pregnant"  I re-read it and interrupted J and said "_____ is pregnant"  I think he could hear the mix of happiness and sadness in my voice.  He said "think positive thoughts".   The next morning before work I noticed a gift bag on our kitchen stools, it had a big heart made of roses on the bag and I thought I can't believe he:
  • a.) already bought me a valentine's gift
  • b.) left it in plain sight as he knows I love to ruin surprises 
I was tempted to open it but didn't.  He called me at work an hour later and said "you didn't open your gift"  I was confused and said "it was laying side ways on a stool under the counter, I had no idea I was supposed to open it."  So that night after work I opened the bag, it was from Brighton.  A little heart shaped tin was inside and inside of that tin was a beautiful silver necklace with a sparkly flower pendant.  I texted him and said, "is the Brighton gift my valentines gift?" he texted back and said "no just a pick me up gift"  I thanked him.  He had no idea what that meant to me.  Not the gift but the effort behind the gift.  He went out of his way.  I couldn't believe he was so thoughtful that day and get me a gift to lift my spirits.

Yesterday, Jamie and I had a little tiff  a knock-down-drag-out.  He mentioned he was going to the fitness center we belong to (that I haven't been to in well over a month) and asked if I wanted to go.  I responded "no" and he asked if he should cancel my membership, to which I replied "go ahead."  I thought about it a few minutes and knew why he wanted me to go.  He wanted me to go for the upcoming IVF but I took it wrong.  His heart was in the right place.  I got dressed to go and he then told me not to go, he didn't want to make me.  We got into a heated argument.  J asked why I hadn't been working out, he thinks it's important for the IVF(which it is).  Why wasn't I working out with motivation like the IVF coming up, he asked.  I tried explaining to Jamie that while I know the IVF is coming up I feel really down and depressed and just lack the energy to go.  He stated that he feels strongly that with the little time we have that everything we do is of the utmost importance.  He asked me to help him understand what he can do to motivate me.  "Should we go Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and one weekend day"?  He wanted to know if he should go with me, if it would be better if I had a partner to go with me?  He was rightly concerned and wants me to fit in exercise where I can to up our chances.  Eventually I stopped taking it personally and realized Jamie was doing just what I had been wanting him to do for a year, being supportive and attentive.  I gave in and opted for a walk around our neighborhood with our dog Wilson instead of going to the fitness center.  I had planned a long route and left the ipod at home so I could take time to myself.  I had time to think and get lost.  No, not lost in my thoughts, LOST!  Our neighborhood is comprised of 7 large neighborhoods all entangled with curvy streets.  We have only lived here for five months-I took a wrong turn and a planned four mile walk quickly turned into a seven or eight mile walk!  Poor Wilson, he was exhausted.  He kept looking up at me like "Please take me home."  I kept giving him pep talks and encouragement pats on the head and butt, on some of the quieter streets I even had to let him off of his leash so he would stop dragging behind me, there's nothing quite like pulling a 90 pound Golden Retriever on a walk for miles!!!  I eventually made it home.  I had blisters, something pulled in my crotch area and sore legs and poor Willie had walked some raw spots on his paw pads. 

Anyway, I wrote J an email this morning letting him know that I was grateful for his support, he responded back and all is good again in our household.  You know, all too often during this journey I have had so many negative thoughts about myself.   It's hard knowing that the struggles you and your husband face are your fault.  I am still amazed that J has never once blamed this on me during this process, or ever made it seem like we are sacrificing money or things for IVF.  What a difference a year makes.  I thank my lucky stars for my Jamie, my greatest support, my trophy husband.

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