Monday, March 8, 2010

A new "normal" and today's ultrasound...

It occured to me a couple days ago that J and I, our lives, have a new sense of "normal".  "Normal" used to mean care free, that was our normal.  We had nothing to worry about.  I think the largest thing we ever had on our plates may have been rehabbing one of our homes or planning our wedding.  Neither of which took over our lives, our lives were altered by these things but our sense of "normal" was along side of what others would view as normal.

Normal for us now is talking about IVF, administering injections and staring at the calendar on our refrigerator double checking to make sure today's meds will be given timely and precisely and discussing what tomorrow's medications will bring.  Often times seeing a new medication which means getting on the internet to watch a "how to" video to make sure we are doing it correctly.  Our new sense of normal now includes staring at my stomach and deciding where to put the next injection amongst all of the bruises and needle prick marks that the last few days left as a reminder.  IVF has become our life, our new normal.  Our new sense of normal has been contained in the privacy of our home for the most part until Saturday night when we had agreed to meet J's Dad and Step-Mom for dinner as well as his Aunt, Unlce and Cousin.  We were going to do something normal people do, meet and have dinner until about two hours before hand when I asked Jamie.  "What about injections?"  We had agreed to meet his parents at 7:00 and injections needed to be given between 7 and 9.  So we packed up the meds, needles, alcohol wipes and one miss kitty band-aid (just as a precaution) that had been taking place in the privacy of our own home and brought them to J's Dad's home where we asked for a few minutes of privacy in a small bathroom.  Ten minutes later, exiting from the bathroom and being greeted by a most likely very confused Aunt, Uncle and Cousin.  Everything was fine but that's when it really hit me that we had a new "normal".  IVF is our normal now and it turns out it's mobile. 
 Sunday, J and I decided to have a relaxing day at home.  I sat in the living room and watched Discovery Health Channel, baby weekend which oddly enough focused mainly on IVF couples while J watched his own shows in the other room.  At one point I told J that one of the RE's we had interviewed with (Dr. Silber) was on TV so he flipped to DHC.  Later, he told me that watching that show made him really sad.  I asked why.  He said "because that girl said that her first IVF was negative and it was the hardest thing she has ever went through".  We were both standing in the kitchen obviously thinking about where we are in this stage of the game and the overwhelming possibility that ours too may not work."  Again, more conversations from the lives we now see as normal.  For the most part I carry a lot of the worry inside, I don't vocalize the fears that I have to Jamie but when I hear him worry about it my heart breaks.  It kills me to think that he feels what I feel.  Sometimes it seems as though he is oblivious to the IVF process and I explain it to him but then other times it's so obvious that he is just as well informed as I am.  But then I guess how informed does one have to be to understand percentages, right?

As time gets closer to retrieval, the nervousness grows thicker and the subject of "what if" comes up more often.  We are afraid to plan ahead but even more afraid for what might happen to get us to the point where we are forced to make more decisions like that.  IVF is so consuming.  It takes over your life and your heart.

Status Update:  Today we went in for our cd 9 ultrasound.  J came with me.  It was great to have him there and seeing everything going on.  I put him in charge of audio recording the appointment and he did a fine job!  9 follies measuring 12-14 on each side with some others lagging behind which he didn't measure.  Uterine lining looks great.  He upped my follistim for tonight and tomorrow to 150 units and I have another ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday.  Dr. A said he thinks the retrieval will be Saturday.  More to come.

Water status for today:  72 ounces of water @ 4:45 pm.

Here are a couple of pictures of my nurses...

Jamie, with that evil gleam in his eye.
Wilson, sleeping on the job.

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