Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Thoughts on IVF #1 versus IVF #1.5...and a tantrum

I am at a different place mentally with this upcoming IVF than I was last time.

I am not as “gung ho” this time around and a little bitter I might add. I can’t quite place my finger on exactly what has me feeling this way. Maybe reality has set in?   As exciting as I was to start IVF, I'm now seeing that there are more lows than highs on this roller coaster. 

I’m still bitter towards my former Doctor.  I look at the blogs of other ladies who are currently under his care who have the same exact protocol that I had for my IVF and I hope that they have a different outcome than I had. I hope they make it to retrieval…and even better, to transfer. I read their posts and remember how I felt at that time and get excited for them, then I remember my outcome and feel sad for myself.

I'm bitter for what IVF is costing us.  Last night we got a quote for our medications for the next IVF cycle. $3,346.91. I felt sick to my stomach instantly. I feel bad for costing us so much money. This is of course in addition to the $10,964.43 for medical treatment for the next cycle. We called one of the companies offering free meds to see about getting signed up for their program and were turned away because we make “too much money”. That doesn’t mean we can pay for IVF easily by any means. I think we would have to make double what we make to pay for IVF comfortably. It’s so discouraging, especially when you add the stress of “What if this cycle doesn’t work, then what?” or the money we wasted on meds for a canceled cycle last time.

Let me just say also that this IVF financial business of making couples decide up front how many cycles they will need to buy is not nice!  We have to decide between one, two or three cycles and front the money and are out of luck if we get pregnant the first time.  Oh!  And if we want a refund should the plan we choose not work out, well then that will be extra!  Try THOUSANDS extra.  How do we know how many IVF cycles we will need, our Doctor can't even tell us this.  It's a gamble.  Another company playing on the stress and emotions of the infertile.  So, we went with the single IVF, non refund, figuring we would rather just pay another 10K should the this one not work, than get pregnant and be out an ADDITIONAL $8,000.00!!!!!!!!!!  What else do you do?  WTF?  Am I the only one not smoking the crack?  It just sucks.  Pardon my tantrum.

I have to say one positive thing, my husband and I are better now than ever. I worried that the stress of all of this would be a detriment to us but it has had the opposite effect.  I really feel a sense of partnership between us and I am ever grateful for him in this process.

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