Monday, March 15, 2010

Putting on my big girl panties and moving on...

I feel that this canceled cycle hurt so badly because we didn't even get to have hope.  I so badly wanted to make to to retrieval.  OHSS was what I was worried about with PCOS.  I did everything I could to avoid it and it was my E2 I should have been worried about all along.  We were blind sided the last few days, we didn't even know low E2 could hold our fate.

I came home from the Doctors office and mourned the loss of my daily regiment.  I miss my injections, I miss working toward a goal, I miss crossing every day off my list and looking forward to SOMETHING.  I am mourning the loss of my Doctor, or the Doctor I thought he was.  I called the office this morning and asked to have my records sent to me.  A $15 charge of course, I will happily pay, just give me my history so I don't have to look back.  It feels like a break up.  I was googling RE's in the St. Louis area and just the sight of his name made my heart sink.  I hate the fact that I have to second guess my decision to cancel because our Doctor gave us no opinion, I will always wonder what if.  My husband and I educated ourselves through Google and decided our fate because a man with a medical degree couldn't give us a straight answer.  I hate that the infertility industry is so impersonal that I was written a prescription for birth control to calm my system down, told I would need to have a period on my own and shown the door.  No one will ever call to check in on me or follow up.  It just seems so cold and wrong sometimes.  You trust yourself and your body and your dreams to a staff and a Doctor and then in the blink of an eye, it's over...and it's just business, it was all along.  I get it though, in the end it is their business, I'm just saying it hurts.

For the record, my husband has been my rock through all of this.  As we sat in the exam room, it was my husband that fired all the questions at Dr. A while I sat there in disbelief, realizing we were done and mapping out our next steps.   I need to talk through things to feel better and I brought up our situation many times over the weekend and J was there to listen every time, never once did he tell me to not think about it, he listened.  I feel we have grown closer due to all of this, we have a bond that we didn't have a few weeks ago.  I am so lucky.

For my own sanity, I have to work towards my goal of having a baby even though our cycle is done and I currently don't have a Doctor.  I have spent today researching SART scores and Doctors and making appointments.  I can't believe I am doing this again.  I can't quit.  I know I must get back on the horse that threw me and do this again.  I will carry my records with me, explain our situation and find a Dr. that can help us and one that will give us our best chance with what we now know.

So far, I have three appointments:

Thursday, March 18 @ 9:00 - Dr. O
Monday, March 22 @ 11:00 am - Dr. W   Canceled
Monday, March 22 @ 2:00 pm-Dr. W
Tuesday, April 6 @ 10:30 am - Dr. P Canceled

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