Telling people...

It's a funny thing...telling people that we are pregnant is more difficult than I thought it would be.  We've kept our struggle with infertility a secret from most people for so long that it feels weird to tell people that we're pregnant.  We are almost 14 weeks along and we're just starting to tell people. 

In some ways I fear something terrible will happen once we tell people.  In other ways I feel like an imposter-I still don't believe I am pregnant sometimes myself.  It's hard to tell people something that just doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I feel like I am playing make believe-like when I was 5 or 6 years old and would stuff a pillow under my shirt.  It's the strangest thing, it all feels like a dream...a 14 week dream and I just haven't woken up yet.

I told my manager last week.  That was a big step but I felt badly because my former boss knew all about my infertility and IVF's and I hadn't told her.  I went to her office for a briefing this morning.  I presented her with price quotes for one project, questions for another and told myself...this is it-tell her.  I said, "One more thing - I'm pregnant."  I whispered it with a smile and looked down...my eyes were watering.  She screamed and stood up and hugged me and told me how happy she was for Jamie and I.  The scream and the hug made me bawl like a baby and she started crying too.  It means so much to me that someone was as happy about this as we are.  A co-worker none-the-less.  I left her office soon after I told her, I couldn't get any more words out and tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't believe I had this reaction.  I was embarrassed but all that kept running through my head was "I'm finally telling people, the journey was so long and there were so many times I wondered if this would ever happen to us and I'm telling people."  I was overcome with emotion.

This week we tell Jamie's Dad's side of the family.  We've been holding onto this secret for so long that I think it will feel great to tell people.  I just hope I don't cry then like I did today!  It's sure to be emotional though...it's J's Grandmother's 85th birthday and she knew about the IVF's.  After the last one was successful we opted to tell her that we were still "talking to Doctors" and "figuring out next steps".  I think she will be surprised as will Aunt's and Uncles and J's sisters.  I hope they are or there is a big leak somewhere!  Surprised or not, I just want to get this out and stop hiding.  Then maybe it will feel real.  I'm ready for it to feel real.